ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



April 2002 Letters

Easy Nuts Turtle Shell Spock Ears Squirrels? Evil? Habit
Bird Scum Heaven Psycho





Dear Grumpy,
I'm tired of looking for nuts

From: Dave
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Dave:
But of course you are. Looking for nuts is a full time occupation which requires dedication and focus, 24/7. I suggest that you give it up altogether and set your sites on something a little less troublesome, like 'Peace on Earth.' No one really gives that any thought. In fact, most humans think that it will just happen one day. They must, since they don't do anything to help it along. Oh sure, ethnic cleansing and oppression are common tactics employed by those who preach peace. But just look at their track record. You see, those humans have very short memories, while their victims NEVER forget. Personally, I prefer looking for nuts-they are so easy to find…for some of us.

"Grumpy"


Grumpy,
if a turtle loses his shell is he naked or homeless?

From: Geoff
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Geoff,
If a turtle were to lose his shell, and therefore, become naked, but no one wanted to look at him…nakedness would be a non-issue. And who wants to look at a naked turtle? So, of course, he would be homeless. Do I get a prize?

"Grumpy"




Dear Grumpy,
Hi there fellow Squirrel! I am a Mama Squirrel with a nest full of babies. My question is..How do you deal with Foxes chasing you around? By the way, we are red furred Squirrels and have pointy "Spock Ears"..I think we are pretty cute.. Love..
From: Mama Squirrel Red Furred "Fellow Squirrel"

Dear Mama Squirrel,
I'm sure you and your family are very cute. But to the fox, you are just another 'happy meal.' If your costumes came with Spock ears, you can be sure that they came with Phasers, too. Check all the pockets.

"Grumpy"


DEAR GRUMPY.
Are squirrels evil and satanic? Are they planning to kill us all one day?

From: Bre
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Bre,
How many times do I have to say it? Squirrels do not kill humans! We simply drive them to suicide.

"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy,
should i marry my girlfreind jessica Ramirez?
From: Habitual Knight
Of: Utah
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Habit,
If you really are, as your name implies (habitual) the answer is NO. But, you probably didn't wait for my response, did you?

"Grumpy"


Grumpy
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE BIRDS? I MAKE PEANUTBUTTER SANDWICHES FOR THE PHILLY GANG OF GREY'S AND THE BIRDS EAT THE SANDWICHES. NOW GRUMPY WHEN I VIEW THE INTER-NET ALL I READ ABOUT ARE THE POOR SQUIRREL'S ATTACKING THE BIRDFEEDER'S.
From: Mary Ann,
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary Ann,
You are so on top of this problem!
It is always the bird feeders bad mouthing the squirrels,
day in and day out with their propaganda network.
As you can clearly see, squirrels are not the problem-it's the birds!
Birds have absolutely no shame when it comes to food.
They will take, take, take but never give.
You will never see a wild bird come when someone who
feeds it every day calls it.
On the contrary, squirrels establish friendly, often loving
relationships with the humans who feed them.
You can be sure that jealousy in the heart of the bird feeder
is the root cause of his or her hatred of squirrels
(and the humans that feed them).
They are very small, like BIRDS!

"Grumpy"


Grumpy-
Is it true that Squirrel Nation has entered Memorandum of Understanding with Feline Nation to attempt overthrow of Canine Alliance International? If this is true, and I would not trust a bushy tail rodent to respond in truth, but if this is true then let it be known that yours and all other wicked gangs of rodentia shall forever dwell in darkness and insatiable hunger and fear of the bigger ones. Renounce your obsession for fat winter cheeks and ye shall have endless supply of nuts and leavings galore from the Gods endless banquet on high! Empty your cheeks and allow you and yours a chance at redemption! Shake and Shiver no more over ungotten crumbs or drooling hounds!

From: gsprings
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear gsprings,
I think you had better stay away from that Hillbilly Crack for a while.

"Grumpy"

Dear Grumpy-
Do squirrels go to Heaven?

From: Ruthie Ann (lucky bath salt winner)
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Ruthie,
Actually, squirrels are from heaven.
We volunteer to come to Earth and show
people how to bring joy into their daily life.
On a good day, we succeed
and on a bad day, we meet Russell Crow.



"Grumpy"

©1997greysquirrel@greysquirrel.net



This Website ©Grey Squirrel's Page of Silliness 1998 All Rights Reserved