ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



August 2002 Letters









Hello my lil grumpy...
Ok, so is your staple diet nuts? or do you secretly have little gourmet restaurants that sell special food such as squid or barbecued hedgehog? i would like to know, because my grandmother is in fact a squirrel, however she has lost her voice so cannot answer this question of mine, and its soon to be her 69th birthday and id like to do something special.. From: The One
Of: The Place
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear One,
It doesn't really matter what I want, or for that matter, what your Grandmother wants either. This is nothing more than a rhetorical question aimed at making yourself look sympathetic to the audience by asking the politically correct question. The fact that your Grandmother can't speak was the fatal clue. Sure, you'll ask a squirrel, then a police officer then maybe a politician before SOMEONE tells you what you want to have for the meal. Then you can tell everyone, as your Grandmother refuses a morsel (leaving it all for you) that you asked around before deciding on mouse-dumplings and sautéed persimmons. I've got your number, babe, and I'm not going to assist you in your charade.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
How can I attract the various squirrels into my town garden and make friends with them.
I've tried nuts but they always run away.
From: Jan
Of: UK
Affiliation: Confederate
Dear Jan,
You're just trying too hard.
In the beginning of any relationship, you must never be too forward. The object of your desire will look upon you as cheap and easy. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those things once the relationship has been established. But initially, you must remain a bit aloof and unwilling to give anything away for free. Sure you can set nuts out but only if they're intended for some other purpose than giving them to the squirrels. For instance, you could set a bowl of delicious nuts in the center of your patio table. It would be best to do it just before you are expecting guests because the squirrels will know you want your patio to look its best…And they WILL come! Of course, as you and your guests look on at the disaster that was once your lovely patio, you will be thrilled. But don't let on that this kind of behavior pleases you. Rant, rave and embarrass yourself in front of everyone by throwing the empty nut-bowl out into the lawn. This will insure a prompt return.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
where can I get a psycho girlfriend? From: Bob
Of: Denver
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Bob,
It's funny because I've had nothing but psycho girlfriends
and I've never gone out of my way to find one.
Remarkably, they always seem to find me.
Actually, losing them is the biggest problem.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I brought "polk" from the rebel sandwich, tho I don't know what the hell it is... The dictionary only says "James Knox..."
From: papathesquirreltrapper Of: Florida
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Papa,
Not your fault. While writing the article on the McRebel sandwich of Kentucky, our editor managed to make a grave error in the correct spelling of 'poke.' But to be fair, it is commonly misspelled. Why, even James Knox Polk's followers thought the shrub was named after him and wore a corsage made of it on their lapels, to show their support. Other names: Pokeweed, Pokeroot, Poke Sallet, Inkberry, Cancer Root, Crowberry, and American Nightshade. The entire plant including roots, stalk and berries are poisonous and can be fatal, especially to children. Some experts say it should not be handled by humans at all because it may have the ability to induce mutations, cancer and birth defects. Still, you can't keep a real Kentuckian away from it. My dear old Kentucky Grandma was known the land over for her special poke recipe at dinner gatherings. Apparently, if you cook it just right, it won't kill you. I myself am living proof, as I grew quite fond of it in my childhood. It tastes like spinach with a ton of attitude!
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I have a teensy weensy problemette.
I have this ever so divine darlinghart jacketypoos,
in ever so soft Sammy silk.
But when shall I where it?
From: Sheepie Treat
Of: UK
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Sheepie,
Does your jacketypoos have weewy, weewy looong sweevyweevies that wap awound your anorexic widdo butt?
Grumpy


I HOPE MY LETTER FINDS YOU IN GOOD HEALTH.I HAVE A CONCERN THAT I BELIEVE YOU CAN HELP ME OUT WITH, AND PUT MY MIND AT EASE.WHERE DO THE BEAUTIFUL GREY SQUIRREL'S GO WHEN IT CALLS FOR A HEAVY STORM WITH THUNDER AND LIGHTENING? CONDITIONS LIKE THIS MUST BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR THE SQUIRREL'S. CAN THE SQUIRREL'S TELL THE WEATHER CONDITIONS SO THEY CAN HIDE .
From: MaryAnn
Of: Philadelphia
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear MaryAnn,
Yes, do put your mind at ease because we always know what the weather is going to do.
We hold the remote.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
i love a girl named leza...but she has a disturbing and horrible boyfriend who i feel is just using her...what would be the best way to insure this boyfriend would fall under a large truck? From: Laurie
Of: Florida
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Laurie,
Actually, I'm having trouble figuring out who is more disturbed:
1) A loser boyfriend who is doing what men do best
2) A young woman who has not yet learned her value
3) A third party, wanna-be lover who is contemplating murder
Oh, I give up. Tell me, tell me.
Grumpy


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