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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



February 2002 Letters

Driver's Ed Fuzzy Math Disturbing, very Qualifications Substance Abuse
Antidepressants Circles Cobra Interview Missing Thingy's




Psssssssst! Grumpy!
I'm taking my Driver's Ed final exam right now,
and I'm stuck on this one question.
Lucky for me, the teacher just left the room,
so I turned on the computer, connected to the internet,
and decided I should send my question to the person
I knew was definitely the most knowledgeable on the topic
of vehicular operation. However, when I couldn't find
George Lucas' email address, I decided you were
probably smarter anyway, so here I am,
begging you to help me... my legal drivinghood
is depending on you!
Ok, here's the question:
When it is legal to turn right on red, before turning, you must
A) slow down and check traffic,
B) blow your horn,
C) make a full stop and check traffic, or
D) check traffic to right.
Help me, Grumpy One! You're my only hope!

From: BBJ Morris
Of: New Jersey
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear BBJ,
Asking a squirrel to help you on your
driver's Ed final exam is like . . . Suicide!
Of course, I would have to tell you something like:
Look both ways and make absolutely sure something is coming
straight into the path of your destination. Then hit the gas.
Better yet, crawl out into the lane while there is time for a
reasonable vehicle to make it before the onslaught of traffic
gets to you. Then, you stop to look both ways.
Did you really think I would help you cheat on your exam?
There are already too many degenerates on the road!
The force is with you.

"Grumpy"

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Grump,
7 dogs and cats are born every day for each person born in the US.
Of those, only 1 in 5 puppies and kittens stay in their original
home for his/her natural lifetime. The remaining 4 are abandoned
to the streets or end up at a shelter.
Source: The Humane Society of the United States
Greetings, Grumpy. Glad you're back in the drey. Thought you might
set me straight on the above statement from the HSUS.
Would it not stand to reason, then, that if we restrict the
production of humans, say by 50 - 75%, we would then also see a
similar reduction in the production of unwanted, unloved "disposable"
kittens and puppies? What's more, the reduction in the human
population would likewise produce a 50 - 75% reduction on
the Earth's natural resources. Sounds like a good plan, to me.
But hey, I'm just a squirrel. What would I know about anything,
but nuts, right? Love you, Grump. Too bad you've sworn
off "relationships" - I've decided to stop waiting, and hoping,
and I'm now corresponding with "Biff" - but I'll always leave a
hazelnut in the feeder, for you, Grump. Be well, stay safe,
stay sound, stay sane, and stay away from those awful legumes!
P.S., Grump, if there are 7 p & k born for every human,
and 1 in 5 stay in their birth home, with 4 winding up on
the street or in a shelter - I'm afraid to ask...
what happened to the remaining 2?
I hate the new math, don't you?!?

From: MissAnnThropic Of: I'm from the same primeval swamp
as the rest of 'em, sad to say. Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Miss,
Certainly, you are right.
Fewer humans = fewer problems for all!
About your crush on me;
I'm glad you have moved on-for your sake.
I am no stranger to unrequited love and I realize
how unhappy you must have been,
knowing that I could never be yours.
Now, 7 puppies & kittens born for every human,
and 1 in 5 stay in their birth home,
with 4 winding up on the street or in a shelter
...what happened to the remaining 2?
I'm guessing that the Humane Society would say
that those two are the unaccounted for.
Say, the ones who were lost in the paper trail
as they were passed around from home to home.
But my theory is, those 2 are most likely to have
moved on to questionable professions.
Porn stars, actors, Amway sales creatures ...etc.
Basically, things the Humane Society doesn't want
to talk about.
It's no mystery to me why some ladies are referred
to as 'sex kittens.'
I'm surprised you couldn't figure this out for yourself.
But then, I've always been gifted in fuzzy math.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I'd like to come out for the first time online and
tell you my real name... i am John O'Keefe.
It's important to this letter. Anyway, i recently
decided to have fun and put my name in a
search engine (un-named), and discovered that
there is a whole yahoo-style group (but not on yahoo)
that had a running petition against me reproducing.
It was called P.O.O.R. (people opposing O'Keefe reproduction).
i guess what i really wanna know is, do you want to join me
in a sexual revolution to produce little Squirrel-Man babies...
enough to start a whole squirrel-man army and overthrow THE MAN,
and put the squirrels back on the top of the evolutionary chain,
where they belong, as the supreme being and then enslave all
the human race... or maybe i just have been spending too much time
watching that damn remake of planet of the apes.
Silly monkey... afraid of water! hahahaha

From: Efeeko El Hoocho
Of: Censored
Affiliation: Confederate

Efeeko,
I am thinking of becoming a very active member of P.O.O.R.
Like, immediately!

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
That fat squirrel that throws stuff
at me is teaching the neighborhood squirrels
to throw stuff too.
Now I have a street full of squawky chattery squirrels
that throw stuff. Everyone on the block knows
who is boss now.
My question is if I was a squirrel what kind would I be?
A red one?
Grey one?
Flying one? I am perplexed. Thanks

From: Pablo Picante
Of: the land of the black squirrels
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Pablo,
Let's see.
1) I don't think you exhibit enough leadership qualities to be a grey squirrel. You let other squirrels assault you and then whine about it to me.
2) I don't think you are charismatic enough to be a red Squirrel. If you were, you could easily make those other squirrels look like chumps to the neighborhood just by being yourself.
3) Frankly, I doubt that you are cute enough to be a flying squirrel. I could be wrong about you but the statistics are on my side. A recent study has concluded that only .05% of the human population are cute enough to be a flying squirrel-And they are all under 5 years of age or over 80.
Wait, You could be a politician!

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
WHEN WILL YOU RETURN TO ANSWER YOUR LETTERS?
ALL OF US MISS YOU IN PHILA.THE SQUIRREL'S ARE REALLY
UPSET ABOUT YOUR ABSENCE.
POOR BABY IS CRYING AND WANTS TO JOIN STOCKTON
IN ANOTHER TIME AND PLACE. PLEASE HURRY HOME,
THE PHILLY SQUIRRELS GROW MORE CONFUSED
THAT THEY MAY GO TO A PEANUT REHAB.

From: MARY ANN (Former lucky bath salts winner)
Of: PHILA PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary Ann,
As you can see, I am back from peanut rehab
and on the road to a full recovery (gulp).
The gang can rest assured that they will unlikely
ever go to peanut rehab like me.
For unlike most unfortunates who involve themselves
in substance abuse and then find themselves
in the nightmare world of addiction,
I have insurance. I also have nosey-rosies
all around me who insist on making sure
I get the help I need.
If I didn't have this job, you would see me
walking the streets, looking for handouts
and talking to the demons in my head.
And one day, there would be a small blurb
in the local paper about how I was found
frozen to death with an empty jar of
Skippy's peanut butter stuck on my head.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Grump, here it is, nearly the ides of January,
and I'm still stuck in the same sorry
state of disorder, despair, and disrepair.
I'm beginning to think I need something
pharmaceutical to deal with my psychological problems.
Is the peanut high worth the addiction, or should I
help some psychiatrist make his Porsche payments?
P.S. Grump, you say your sign is "Dead End" -
mine is "Out of Order".
Do we stand a chance? Can you get past the fact
that I'm skinny, ugly, and dress funny?

From: Molly Kule (Former lucky bath salts winner)
Of: From dust, I came, and to dust I shall return
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Molly,
Since you are asking me, I say that too many people
are taking antidepressants. Now, I know
some people really need them.
But most only think they need them and Doctors
and pharmaceuticals are only too happy
to accommodate them.
Hey, I could be on them if I wanted-trust me.
But I want to feel my highs and my lows.
Even if no one else wants to experience them with me.
Oh oh, I hear the sound of frantic hen-scratch,
as the hate mail is being produced in the
heat of an emotional episode.
Is the peanut high worth it? Ask yourself that question
the next time you finish off a pint of chocolate ice cream
in the middle of the night.
Do we have a chance?
I say, skinny is fashionable-though I fail to acknowledge it.
Ugly is subjective and therefore, a non-issue.
But if you dress funny-Forget it!
Even I have one or two standards.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why do you run in circles???????

From: Sweet
Of: Ohio
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Sweet,
It happens to be my exercise regime.
But if you've noticed it in some other squirrel,
you should know that it could be a sign of
serious injury or disease. Call 911.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Do you know Cobra?
He is also a bad attitude squirrel....he wants
to take over the world and he stole my nuts!
He has been wanted since he was a baby(5 years).
He has a whole family so beware!
He has 3 arms,1 leg, a red mohawk, NO TAIL,
and......nuts and acorns that belong to me!
PLease if you can get him and ARREST him I
would be very grateful. But I understand it
is very hard and you are very busy, so if you
could just give me information about his
TYPE I would be thankful.

From: Bob and Freddie
Of: here
Affiliation: Confederates

Dear Bob and Freddie,
Of course, everyone in the know, knows Cobra.
As for his type, you only need to know two things:
1) He wants your nuts and
2) he'll get your nuts.

"Grumpy"

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Hi Grumpy,
how r ya? so I read the interview with u and Connie. It was funny (not trying to insult u). Oh and i want to know since I'm 11 yrs. old if i was allowed t write to u? Well, write back soon.
P.S. the peanuts i have are PLANTERS COCKTAIL PEANUTS, good source of 5 vitamins and minerals

From: ?
Of: N.J.
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear ?,
Actually, I don't think there was anything funny
about that interview with Connie Chung and me.
That little sprite was just trying to get me to admit
to something that I had no part in, what so ever!
And those peanuts sitting on the coffee table all
through the interview You know as well as I do
that it was no accident. It was a careful, premeditated
attempt to get me to compromise myself.

Yep, she left peanuts for me and I left raisins for her. Hehehe.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
howdy, my qustion is thus:
i was sent some de-licious whisky balls as a presunt
thet was all chocklut and such. So, i ate 'em,
ever last one. Ok, i got sick frum
englutteratin'myself, but thet ain't
the point becauz now my "censored" are GONE!
What kin I do?

From: Cletus (former lucky bath salts winner)
Of: the mountins
Affiliation: no clue

Dear Cletus,
Are you sure they were there before you ate
the whiskey balls? Really, when was the last
time you checked?
It is something we all take for granted.
In fact, I think I'm going to check for my own,
while I'm thinking about it.
Oh yeah, I'm still in tact (whew)!
Lighten up, buddy. It's not the end of the world.

"Grumpy"

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