what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.

January 2002 Letters

Clinton Bigot/Sexist? Christmas Names Nasal Hail
Whatever Drills Dating Chock Full O ... Pop Rocks

Dear Grumpy,
did you ever have sexual relations
with Bill Clinton?

From: Lizzie
Of: Boysville, Guyland
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Lizzie,
I am very pleased to answer this question.
Not everyone gets an opportunity to
clear his or her reputations of unwanted assumptions.

There were not many of us, during those pristine Clinton years,
who escaped a good ravishing by our former President.
Alas, I am one. Call it luck, call it un-synchronicity . . . But call me unsoiled!

How 'bout you, Lizzie? If you are over 16, you are suspect.


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Dear Grumpy,
My favorite bushtail squirrel likes to
chase my cat! How can I convince him
that she isn't his type?
Thanks for your advice;
I wait with peanut breath for your answer.
KC Nuts

From: KC Nuts
Of: Nebraska
Affiliation: bushytail envier

Dear KC,
I just can't figure out if you're a bigot or a sexist!
Why, exactly, is she not his type?
Is it because HE is a rodent? And in your eyes,
not GOOD enough for your kitty?
Or is it because you think she can't handle
herself because she is FEMALE? If she doesn't
want his attention, she'll just say NO!

Lighten up and mind your own peanuts, Dude.


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Dear Grumpy,

Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary Ann,
Thank you so very much for your New Years wish.
As for Christmas ...I ask, why did it even happen?
You would not believe how many people sent me peanuts!
I don't know if they were friends or foes,
as everyone knows about my problem.
But they came by the box loads.

And where did it get me?
Back in peanut rehab of course!
Was that the plan?
To all of those who sent me peanuts;
Did you send crack to your teenage babysitter?
Did you send chocolates to your diabetic Uncle?
Did you send a mirror to Rush Limbaugh?

But, I am feeling better now ... really...


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Dear Grumpy,
I've long considered exactly what it was my parents were thinking when they decided to name me "Joshua." This name means a great many things, and, while most of them fittingly describe my character and personality, I feel that some of them do not feel suit me at all. For instance, "Joshua" supposedly implies I have the ability to be creative along practical lines of endeavor. Grumpy, I'll have you know that I am a professional hand modeler, and that I don't find such a career to be all that creative. An individual by the name of "Joshua" is also seen as one who frequently follows the path of least resistance to avoid their responsibilities. This is not me at all! I meet my deadlines, I am rarely tardy. The last thing I'll mention before getting to my point is that Joshuas supposedly have hair loss problems. This is an outrage! I cannot comprehend what my parents were thinking when they named me this. But now for my question: Do you, too, feel as though you've lived your entire life under a misleading name? Grumpy, beneath all the layers of fur, deep within your heart of hearts... are you, in fact, not that grumpy an individual but, instead, a loving, tender soul?

From: Josh Millrod
Of: Coram
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Josh,
A loving, tender soul? Me?
I'll have you know that I scorn all manner of mushiness
in my daily life.
I puke on cuteness and pee on puny FEELINGS!
In fact, if I see the phrase 'feel good' on the
back of a DVD, I'll throw it at the clerk stocking
the shelves next to me.

Sorry Josh but I am aptly named and so are you.
You are just not old enough to see how prophetic
a name really is. It takes half a lifetime to get there.
One day, you'll look in the mirror and notice the
beginnings of a cul-de-sac on your head.
At this point, you will know the enemy-Your parents.


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Dear Grumpy,
Why do many elephants often eat their
own nasal hair when at the same time people in general
need to wash in cheese gratings?

From: Jezlan
Of: Nutville
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Jezlan,
You toy with my intellect.
Of course elephants eat their nasal hair.
The reason is because after a long day of
snuffling up peanuts, it tastes good!
Humans, however, should not bath in cheese gratings.
They need to bath in cheese GRATERS.


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Dear Grumpy,
why are the squirrels evil rodents of death?
why are they satans spawn on earth?

From: katie
Of: NJ
Affiliation: no clue

Dear Katie,
Ummm ... Because we can be?


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Dear Grumpy,
Last September five members of a squirrel possť
managed to get into my house through a hole they
made in my ceiling fan. They made their way
through the ceiling and then down into the inside
of the walls. From there they clawed their way
through a section of the wall and out into a stairwell.
Through courage born of desperation, I drove them
from my home, repaired the hole in the ceiling fan,
and the hole in the wall. Was this an elite team of
squirrel special forces? Or were they just vandal-hooligan
squirrels breaking and entering? What were they trying to accomplish?

From: Lannister
Of: New York
Affiliation: no clue

Dear Lannister,
You may be surprised to know that 6 out of 10 squirrels
will be incarcerated at some point in their lives.
What you experienced was nothing more than a 'prison break drill.'
Young squirrels are taught how to escape captivity at a very early age.
Much the same way those elementary school children are
made to participate in fire drills.
You won't have any more drills this year.
But if your home proved to be challenging enough,
there could be another one next year around the same time.


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Dear Grumpy,
do squirrels have any mental problems or diseases?
if you could email me back before I go nuts i'd appreciate it

From: neuz
Of: akron, cleveland
Affiliation: bushytail envier

Dear Neuz,
Why, are you thinking about dating one?


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Dear Grumpy,
okay this has bothered me for a while...
why is it that that damn coffee company's coffee can says
"CHOCK FULL OF NUTS", but contains coffee beans?!?!?!?!
i spent $250 on those cans to stock up for winter... and i
opened them to find... beans!!! WTF!!! and what worse,
i started drinking the coffee because i couldn't return
them to walbaums (coz they fired me for stealing),
and i haven't slept in 3 weeks. Please help me,

From: Efeeko El Hoocho
Of: The Merry Ol' Land of Oz
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Efeeko,
You are absolutely right!
False advertising all the way.
I did the same thing a few years back (only I didn't get fired).
Still, it's annoying as heck because you can't return it.
But Efeeko, you don't drink that nasty stuff.
Mix it with some jalapeno juice and give yourself an enema.


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Dear Grumpy,
I came up with a creative use for your bath salts package.
I made 2 copies of it. Then I stapled each copy
around a plastic bag of Pop Rocks.
And since we have a brotherly tradition of
Christmas gag gifts, my 2 hunting brothers will
be each getting a fizzy surprise. Did I do well?
I also tested the Pop Rocks in a paper cup of hot water,
and it made a neat little fizzy comet on the bottom.
By the way, I am still enjoying the peppermint bath salts.
One last question: do fox and gray squirrels ever
live in underground passages, like the Taliban now does?
Take care and stay Grumpy!

From: Brent (Former lucky bath salts winner)
Of: Fulton, IL
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Brent,
Oh man, that was so funny. I laughed and laughed.
But then something, not so funny happened.

I was dying to check out the pop rocks idea in a bath
but I don't have a bathtub.
So I asked my neighbor if I could use his for an hour.

Maybe I put too many pop rocks in my bath because it was
fizzing and tickling me like crazy.
I was laughing and splashing and basically, forgetting myself.

Well guess what. My neighbor's bathroom is monitored by a web cam
and he tried to blackmail me with threats of showing it on the Internet.
I did what anyone would do ... I told his Mom.
She did not take it well at all as they have only one bathroom in the house (you know what I mean)...
Now my neighbor is in foster care and his Mother is in the county jail.
All because of your pop rocks idea!


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