ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



June 2002 Letters









Dear Grumpy:
can i be ur sidekick to fight crime?

From: jojo
Of: Mars

Dear Jojo,
I suppose if I were a crime fighter, I would like to have you as my sidekick.
But I look goofy in tights and I have no special powers.
Besides, except for a few goody goodies out there that help police break burglary cases, squirrels tend to work on the opposite side of the law.
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
WHY DO SQUIRRELS CLIMB INTO TRANSFORMERS AND CAUSE POWER OUTTAGES?
From: Jeffery

Dear Jeffery,
I know what you're thinking…that it's for attention.
But the need for attention is only a small part of it.
Have you ever gotten on a motorcycle and just let the road take you where it would? Have you ever climbed a mountain or taken a raft trip through wild rapids? The feeling is very much the same for a squirrel who risks life and limb just to stand there over an entire blackened city, knowing that he did it all by himself. For that squirrel, at that moment, has no peers.
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
Excuse me if this seems a little crude, but why do cats and dogs have such ugly butts when viewed from behind, and squirrels are just cute and fuzzy? How do they do that?
From: Squirrel Servant
Of: House by nursery tree

Dear Servant,
If you ask a rat, he or she might call it dumb luck that squirrels ended up with such cute behinds. Cats don't know they have ugly butts and dogs don't care.
I personally think it is a byproduct of repeatedly doing the right thing. We serve as role models to a slacking world by working diligently in our efforts to save for the future. We are happy and good-natured toward most of our fellow creatures and nothing short of death will stop us from achieving our goals. If everyone worked as hard as squirrels, they would all have cute butts.
Grumpy



Dear Earl,
I have an inner conflict. For about 10 years I've been under the impression that there is a magic squirrel living in my grandmothers backyard. When I was about 5 years old I was led to believe this by my older uncle that would walk with me in the park of trees behind my grandmothers house. He would tell me that the squirrel was always watching & that he changed colors (I.E. red, purple, green). I would often leave nuts and notes in the empty tree trunks telling the squirrel about me and the human world hoping that he would write back (I didn't know if he was illiterate or not). When Ide go back the next day the nuts would be gone but sadly the notes still there with a few scratches and nut shell remains.
As years passed I have come to realize how ridiculous this sounds but I still firmly believe that there is a magic squirrel in the back yard of my grandmothers house. I have been called crazy and psychotic for believing this. I've told people that I would get proof of this fluffy tailed friend to prove to the world there IS a magic squirrel. This is why I write to you! Since you're a squirrel (and you can write emails) I would like to know what you think of this. And if you know this squirrel or if you don't how would you advise I get him to come out of hiding?
Thank you
From: Believer
Of: Massachusetts

Dear Believer,
How did you know my Mom calls me Earl?
Now about the magic squirrel; She is not hiding, she is going about her life as best she can, given the circumstances. Those circumstances being that some pathetic git thinks she should answer notes left with her meals.
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
I have always wanted to be a squirrel. Tell me, what is it like? Is there some way I can re incarnate into one? What are your favourite nuts?
From: Picklenut
Of: A Cornish Tree
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Picklenut,
It's cool to be a squirrel! We can steal, beg, humiliate ourselves and mate with anyone we choose, and it all just makes us more popular.
My favorite nuts? Currently and most usually-relatives.



Dear Grumpy,
how do i say i really really love u in Norse????

Dear Amy,
Simply serve your love a batch of acorns and say nothing. True, acorns were considered a starvation food to the Vikings-But the Celts considered them a charm of fidelity. I'll let you make your own choices from here.
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
what is george lucas' email address, Star wars
From: Slan
Of: US
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Slan,
Right, it would be
george@kissmyfuzzybutt.com
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
Why doesn't Charlie come for the nuts anymore? I know he didn't move away, I saw him in the yard. My nuts were top quality and organic! I thought we had a special bond.
From: KMD
Of: Philadelphia
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear KMD,
Unless that special bond was 'Bondo,' I'm afraid Charlie has found greener pastures. Of course, he loved you organic nuts and maybe he'll be back for more. But if someone else is offering the heroin of the squirrel world (salted peanuts)…
need I say more? Go wash your face.
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
Here, I brought you some delicious nuts.
ANYwho...what's your favorite band?
From: Prettyinpink
Of: NC
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Pretty,
Sad to say, all my favorite bands are disbanded: Silly Wizard, Boys of the Lough (with Dick Gaughan), The Pogues, Led Zeppelin, Planxty (with Christy Moore).
Unless you mean my new favorite…Broadband!
Grumpy



MY DEAR GRUMPY,
HAVE YOU SPENT ANY TIME WITH STOCKTON?I'AM SURE HE WOULD HAVE ALOT TO SAY ABOUT ALL OF THE WAR'S HE HAS FOUGHT OVER THE YEAR'S.WELL I WANTED TO ASK YOU WILL YOU GO ON A VACATION THIS SUMMER IF SO WHERE WILL YOU GO?WHY DON'T YOU VISIT PHILA. OR WILDWOOD.I'AM SURE YOU WOULD HAVE A LOT OF FUN, MUCH BETTER THEN A PEANUT REHAB.WELL LOVE PEACE AND FLOWERS TO A DEAR SQUIRREL FROM THE PHILLY GANG OF GREY"S From: MaryAnn
Phila, PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear MaryAnn,
I don't spend much time with Stockton. A fella can get hurt living that kind of life. Plus, all the women go for him even though he can't really develop a relationship with anyone. But that's life. Guys like me just fall by the way when adventurous dandies like Stockton breeze into town. That's ok. Give me a nice black walnut any day! Speaking of black walnuts, I'm going to visit my kin back in Kentuckiana (along the Ohio River between Southern Indiana and Kentucky) this fall. What better vacation than going back there to collect enough black walnuts to get me through the winter. I guess I'll be seeing Stockton then.
Grumpy



Dear Grumpy,
Every squirrel I've known seems to enjoy listening to Mel Torme' broadcast out the window. They seem to enter a peanut oil induced trance and lounge about on the deck when they hear his melodious voice. I've tried other recordings, but no other recording artist seems to have the same affect on them as the "Golden Fog". Why is this? Sciurusly Yours, Jean Luc Pecan

From: USA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Jean Luc,
I must say that I don't think I am qualified to comment on this phenomenon, as it has never happened to me. And no one else has written me about it. Perhaps it is you and not the squirrels, which fall into the stupor you describe. Most likely, the squirrels on your deck are simply humoring you to get at those pecans. Sigh. I always have to speak the ugly truth, don't I?
Grumpy



©1997greysquirrel@greysquirrel.net



This Website ©Grey Squirrel's Page of Silliness 1998 All Rights Reserved