ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



July 2002 Letters









Dear Grumpy,
Do Squirrels delight in having constant unprotected and kinky sex? Are there Squirrel hookers? If so, how many acorns does it cost to buy them for a night. Is 5 acorns too expensive. I was playing strip poker with a Squirrel and She won!
She took all 30 of my acorns!!

From: Cow Master
Of: ?
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Cow Master:
I can see that you have put a lot, perhaps too much thought into this.
Well, we do have unprotected sex. But then we don't have the same problems that humans have where diseases are concerned.
Number one: We don't have sex outside our species.
Number two: We don't shoot up drugs
Number 3: A female squirrel will not even think about sex
until she has a nice home and food supply
for her unborn children

Squirrel prostitutes: Well, you've got me there. Most squirrels would sell their soul for a peanut.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Yes I have a question....Why did God make little green apples?
The answer to this would be very important to me..:)~

From: Badazz
Of: Texas
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Badazz:
Do you really think God would make anything as corny as little green apples?
I think Martha Stewart did it.
Way back when she was just practicing to become the
domestic Goddess/inside trader that we know today.
Heck, god is still trying to figure out how we went from vinyl to CDs so quickly.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
does nasal hair grow?
From: Degsey
Of: Scotland
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Degsey,
Nasal hair, just like any other desirable attribute, is high maintenance. No, it will not grow on it's own. That's why you rarely see it on anyone except folks who have plenty of time to nurture it. It's sad really, to think that everyone has the potential for long, silky nasal hair. But if it were easy, everyone would have it.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
What is the largest walnut that you have ever found oh and how does a light switch work?

From: Poopy Squirrel
Of: Nebraska
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Poopy,
Oh boy, the largest walnut I ever found was on many a Christmas past. It was huge, as big as by head. Of course I was just a baby at the time.
A light switch works by the transference of electricity from your body into the switch when you flip it. We are always a couple of watts low after hitting the lights.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I haven't seen any Squirrel's Secret stores in the mall so...Are they in trees?
Thanks dude!

From: Squirrel Wrangler
Of: The Pit
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear S.W.
You'd be disappointed if you saw the ads for Squirrel's Secret. The reason is because human males enjoy seeing women in scantily clad outfits. But squirrels see each other naked all the time. So to us, seeing a female all dressed in layers of clothing is really…hot. Squirrel's Secret understands this and accommodates us by advertising with the cutest squirrel babes all wrapped up with only their ears showing.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Could God microwave a burrito so hot even he could not eat it? From: God
IN: Hell
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Whomever,
If the books are correct, your God made you in his image. So naturally, you feel pain so He feels pain, right?
The question is: Are you a big wuss? Because if you are, then it stands to reason that neither you or God should be microwaving your Mexican food.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
If I were to drive someone legally nuts, would it be inappropriate to eat them in front of their family? I bet they taste really good but they might not approve. Any help from you?

From: Hey you
Of: Over There
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Hey,
I really don't think I want to be party to this.
Grumpy


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