ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question


July 2001 Letters

What to do Bushier Wool Failing with Women Average Squirrel Lifespan
Classic Case Doing Wrong 5 Year Olds Why Do . . . What?




Dear Grumpy,
what do i do now????
From: frank
Of: calif
Affiliation: Confederate

Well Frank, First, go and max out your credit cards.
Then call up all of your friends (even acquaintances)
and insult them until they hang up on you.
Bring a lawsuit against your parents for passing
their ugly genes onto you and steal your brother's dog.
Then just go to work like normal but with
no clothes on and write
'I hate you–YES, YOU!'
in permanent marker across your puny, hairless little chest.
If you follow my directions precisely, I guarantee dramatic results.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Do you think my sheep would grow
bushier wool if I fed them nuts?
From: squiffle
Of: Cambridge University, England
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Squiffle:
I'm afraid nuts won't bring about a
physical change in your sheep.
But you will notice subtle changes in their personalities.
For instance, don't expect them to be bossed around
by some border collie once they start enjoying delicious nuts.
Nope. A pushy dog might very well find a
cloven hoof up the nose . . . or worse.
I think you'll find that your new nut crunching
lambs will have a little more attitude and may even
decide to keep their wool for themselves.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why Don't The Women Like me?
From: A*man
Affiliation:Confederate

Dear A*man:
I'm sure that the women who scorn your attentions are just misguided fools. Are they blind to all of your accomplishments? Obviously they don't have it in them to express the admiration you deserve and your beauty is lost on them. Stop dating mannequins

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
How long does the average squirrel live?
From: Sparkysmom
Of: Rhode Island
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Sparkysmom:
Don't you know that there are no average squirrels? The squirrel in your life is as precious and as rare as an attractive squirrel hunter. But some say that squirrels in captivity can live to be in their late teens, while those in the wild between 4 and 7 years.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I'm in love with you, Grumpy! Date?
From: markies
Of: Impe
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Markies,
I know that I must seem irresistible
to a woman like you but let me
point a few things out:
As you know, I have recently come out of peanut rehab.
It is a day-to-day struggle for me to stay
away from those yummy little legumes.
That is why you want me.
You want to rescue me and help me
to stay on the wagon, or,
that's what you'll say anyway.
The truth is, you'll want me to fall off
the wagon once in awhile. I'll slip back
into the drug-induced nightmare
of a squirrel with a habit.
You will look like the good-hearted woman,
standing by me, eventually becoming my enabler.
You'll get some stripper job at a sleazy bar and
spend all your cleavage tips on peanuts for me.
This will incite the pity of some huge biker who'll
want to take you away from it all.
After he stomps me into the ground for
treating you so bad, the two of you will
run away together.
Leaving me to start over again with
the added bonus of a broken heart.
NO THANKS!

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why does people always wanting me to do something wrong?
From: Paul
Of: MN
Affiliation: no clue

Dear Paul,
Perhaps it is because you look so willing.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why do humans always try to talk to us squirrels like we are five years old??
From: Rhoda
Of: middle of it
Affiliation:Confederate

Dear Rhoda,
It is no reflection on squirrels when a human regresses
to his or her childhood while talking to us.
You see, we have the unique ability to turn normal,
rational people into gibbering idiots.
Once they begin to see how inferior they
are to us, they lose confidence in themselves
and start reverting back to their childhood.
If you were to spend much time with a
particularly sensitive one, you would be able
to see the total transformation as they slowly
assume the fetal position while in your presence.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
why do nuts taste like nuts?
From: flesh_eating_squirrel_of_doom
Of: California
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear F.E.S.O.D.
Because nuts are the food of the Gods!
And Mother Nature knew that her squirrels
would never be the prolific forest builders
they are today, if nuts did not taste like nuts.

"Grumpy"

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