ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



May 2002 Letters

Beautiful Girls Clothes Manners Why
Bad Liars Cooking Snow Goose
Boozers Eatable Taxes/Prison Boy Squirrels





Dear Grumpy,
Hi there, theres this beautiful girl that I go to school with and I want to ask her out, but I just dont know what the hell to do. I know that you are an out of touch rodent, but any advice would help.


Thanks!!
From: Eric
Of: Canada
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Eric:
There is a very good reason you don't know what to do. Your natural defenses are holding you back because deep down you know the truth about beautiful girls. They are TROUBLE!!! Or should I rephrase that to: You are in TROUBLE the moment you fall for a beautiful girl. Like they don't know they're beautiful; Like they don't know that all your friends will stab you in the back to steal them away from you; Like they didn't know you had a criminal record… But of course, I have had very little experience with them.

"Grumpy"


Grumpy,
Sorry about the nuts. Do you have clothes?
From: Justin
Of: Fulton, MO
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Justin,
Clothes are the number one barrier to honest communication and therefore, I reject clothing. When clothed personalities come together, it is the status of the clothes and not the content of one's character that matters. The finer the clothes, the higher the status of the individual wearing them-even if the clothes are borrowed. Now, does that make any sense? If you really want to get to know someone, insist that they meet with you, completely naked. If that doesn't work, just show up at the appointed time wearing nothing but goodwill. If they have you arrested, you will know that they are not enlightened enough to be your friend anyway.

"Grumpy"




Dear Grumpy,
MY DEAR GRUMPY WHERE DO SQUIRREL'S LEARN SUCH GOOD MANNERS?I HAVE OBSERVED THE PHILLY GANG OF GREY'S PREPARE THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY EAT.FIRST THAY GET WASHED MAKING SURE FACE AND HANDS ARE CLEAN,BEFORE THAY SIT AT THE TABLE .WHEN THE MEAL IS OVER THE FACE IS WASHED CLEAN.EACH SQUIRREL WILL SHARE WITH THE OTHER.I MUST ADMIT PEOPLE CAN LEARN SO MUCH FROM THE GANG OF GREY'S.IF WE ALL COULD GET ALONG LIKE THE SQUIRREL'S,PEACE WOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE. LOVE PEACE AND FLOWERS FOR A DEAR SQUIRREL GRUMPY.
From: Mary
Of: Phila, PA


Dear Mary,
Perhaps the next time Sharon and Arafat get together to discuss peace, they should be seated around a bowl of nuts on your back porch…With your supervision, of course.

"Grumpy"


DEAR GRUMPY.
Why?
From: George
Of: Australia


Dear George,
Because humans think it is ok to steal, murder and oppress if they think their God approves.

"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy,
what is the definition of bad? How can bad be good?
From: Piara
Of: Australia


Dear Piara,
Bad: Not good; Not as it should be. Now that's the basic definition but it looks a little elastic to me. After all, wouldn't it depend upon who is assessing the situation? For instance, Your parents might think something is bad but your best friend would most likely think it cool. Alternately, You might very well think something is really bad…but your priest might try to convince you that it is perfectly acceptable. It's one of those words that make you think.

"Grumpy"


Grumpy
Hiya Grumpy, I just needed to know one thing... Why do people lie? Why on earth do they make up false stories to get real attention?
From: Jitterbug
Of: Canada


Dear Jitterbug,
You know, I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure that one out. I think I know what the essential characteristic in liars is: Arrogance. That is correct, plain old arrogance. I came to this conclusion after admitting to myself that I am not smart enough nor organized enough to lie. If you tell one lie, you have to keep it up so that the thread continues to be believed. If you forget where you were during any part of that lie, you're burnt! There are very few people who can stay that focused all the time. But a lot of people think they can lie and get away with it. Of course, they think the rest of us are fools or they wouldn't have such a high opinion of themselves.

"Grumpy"


Grumpy-
What is the best recipe for cooking nuts?

From: E Asil

Of: PA



Dear E Asil,
Dig a hole about 4 inches deep, place the nut inside and cover with dirt. Allow to bake in the Earth for 2 to 3 days then dig up and enjoy!

"Grumpy"


Hiya Mr Grumpy
Should I ask oot a good friend at the risk off loseing dis friendship ??? Her 'power animal' is the snow goose if that's of any use.
Ta
From: Indigo Squirrel
Of: Glasgow, Scotland



Dear I.S.
Snow geese are nitpickers. They will spend hours picking mosquitoes or other insects off of those who grow too familiar. If you do not have any mosquitoes or insects on your person, she will likely go after some other imperfections or worse, invent some. Do you really need this?

"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy-
Red & I have numerous squirrel friends. I can't mention their last names or phone numbers, but they're commonly known as Blanche, Edgar, Momo, Puff & Slick. We think Blanche is the not so secret leader of the Fort Worth branch of Stockton's S.E.A. We shower them daily with gourmet pecans, acorns, bottled water & apples (no Cheetos, old biscuits, tortillas or Dos Equis). My question is this ... Why are they such little aloof ingrates? They mock us, bark at us, flick their tails at us, run up our phone bills calling Kentucky, use up Red's Chapstick, weewee on the lids of the new galvanized garbage cans where their pecans & acorns are kept, drink all the liquor up & are always calling us for bail money! How on earth can we develop meaningful relationships with these little furry sociopaths?
From: Confused in Fort Worth,
Grey & Red


Dear Grey & Red,
What … did someone promise you a rose garden?
It sounds like you might have gone wrong when you started drinking with them socially. When left to their own devices, squirrels tend to tip the bottle a bit. It is very destructive and can ruin relationships, as you are now noticing. And forget about forcing them to go on the wagon, you will never get away with that now. You must start watering down the booze. Gradually at first, eventually replacing all the liquor with colored water. Eventually, they'll just stop getting into it but they won't know why. Once they're off the alcohol, you can expect a more rewarding life with them.

"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy-
r squirrels eatable
From: i dont no wat alias means
Of:USA



Dear ?,
There is some abhorrent behavior still going on in the South, meaning that there are some people who do eat squirrels. But there is also an illness similar to Mad Cow Disease that scientists have recognized in recent years, which may be contracted through eating squirrel brains. One of the many side effects, aside from being fatal, is severe dementia. Judging by your letter, I'm guessing that perhaps you have delighted in the delicacy of squirrel brains once or twice.

"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy-
Grump, the Ides of April is soon upon us, and I haven't even gone down to the P.O. to get the form requesting an extension for filing, much less actually gathered the necessary papers together, and bundled them off to my CPA. My question is, will I like the food? And would I have to move to the West coast, and kill some hapless Californian, to be detained in San Quentin? I'm sure I'll like the view there better than at any FCI - there was a report on how Marin county would like SQ to be relocated, and thus, the RE could be used for high end, luxury housing. I ask you, don't death row prisoners better deserve a beautiful view? After all, think of all they've done for the ecological health of California, by helping to control the urban sprawl. Did you know that at SQ, I could learn to build furniture?!? HOw kewl is that?!?
From: Miss Ann Thropic


Dear Miss,
I must say I appreciate your optimism concerning prison. Yes, it would be great to learn to make your own furniture. I've heard that some prisons teach you how to make dentures, crowns and bridges. I would go for that if I were a human. Of course, being a squirrel, my teeth constantly renew themselves. As for whether San Quentin is more suitable for the wealthy or the lowly prisoners, I agree with you. Beauty cannot be fully appreciated unless it is balanced with tragedy and prisoners have done their darndest to provide America with the latter (although our politicians keep working at taking their place).

"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy-
Grumpy!!
Boy squirrels suck. What do I do?
From: Blanche
Of: Texas



Dear Blanche,
We only get away with what you let us get away with. You ladies have all the power, if you'll just realize it and make us behave.

"Grumpy"


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