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Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.

March 2002 Letters

Men are pigs A winner Do it yourself Judging Communication
Star Wars Holla

Dear Grumpy,
My sister has been seeing a married man for 2 years.
He promised to leave his wife a year ago and marry her.
Now he told her that he couldn't leave his family
until his kids are out of school!
I told her to give him a time limit and stick to it
because he is just leading her on.
She said if she does that, he would dump her.
Men are pigs!! Do you agree?

From: Little Sister
Of: LA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear little Sister:
Men are worse than pigs; they are scum.
Everyone, including us, knows this.
But I say; there is no shortage of bimbos (like your sister)
who are more than happy to help destroy
another woman's family.
Tell your sister that if she doesn't like
being treated like a used condom…she should stop acting like one.


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I just wanted to say that the reason I won the gold medal in women's figure skating is because I used some of your lovely bath salts. I know, I know, you're thinking, "Well, I reckon I didn't give no stinkin' bath salts to no Olympic gold medallist... although I may have sent her some SCENTED bath salts instead of stinkin' ones. Gee, I dunno!" Well, here's what happened: I took them from Michelle Kwan. I don't know where she got them, but I'm just happy that she didn't use them 1) because she fell on her arse because she didn't use the bath salts, 2) because I didn't have to wash with pre-used bath salts, and 3) because I used them instead of her. Now, I know you're thinking "Oh sweet lord! An Olympic gold medallist was wearin' no clothes and took a dip in a tub full of lukewarm water and my luxurious bath salts!" but, nope, that wasn't the case. Instead, I took all the other competitors' skates and dipped them in the bath-salted waters. I would've gone for a dip myself, but there was all rust and stuff in the water afterwards. I should've thought about that beforehand but NO, I was jus' thinkin' of sabotage, pure and simple.
ANYWAY AGAIN, I won the gold medal, and it was because of you Grumpy.
You're my hero, my savior, my husband (if you so desire).
ANYWAY ONE LAST TIME, thanks for the bath salts.
It got me gold!

From: Sarah Hughes
Of: Great Neck, Long Island, New York
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Sarah,
We are all very proud of you for winning the gold.
But really, I know you aren't the kind of
lady who would need or want to cheat to win.
Still, it is figure skating and
the bottom line is you won.
No one really cares how you managed it.


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Dear Grumpy,
Will you turn me into a squirrel?
From: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Now I might be capable of a lot of things
but I can't turn anyone into a squirrel.
Anyway, you don't need me
because you can do it all by yourself.
First you must choose your own 'squirrel name.'
It can be any name but it must make you feel squirrelly.
Now, tell all of your friends, relatives, coworkers, etc.
that you want them to start calling you by your new name.
Once you start thinking of yourself as a squirrel and respond
only to the squirrel name that you've given yourself, the groundwork is laid.
You will now begin to act like a squirrel.

You will start collecting food, even when you aren't hungry,
and hiding it throughout your territory.

You will wear a fake bushy-tail 24/7.

You will 'acquire foodstuffs through any available means.
Remember, theft is not a bad word to squirrels.

You will defend your territory by barking and
chattering furiously when an intruder approaches.
You will flick your tail in a threatening manner to strike fear in their hearts.

You will abandon your waterbed and find a suitable place to build your nest.
It should be in a high enough place to offer sanctuary
and a birds eye view of your territory.

You can mate up to twice a year.

If you do as I say, soon, everyone will know what you have become.


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From: Mary Ann (former lucky bath salts winner)
Of: Phila, PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary Ann,
Yeah, I'd like to be one of those uppity, puppity judges all right.
But I think I would have been too distracted by the men's ice-dancing hairdos this year to be very effective. I was almost hypnotized by all the coifededness that was going on this year. Big, lion hair, striped, vampire hair- I, for one, wasn't watching the moves.


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Dear Grumpy,
How can we communicate with squirrels?
From: Britt and Chris
Of: PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Britt and Chris,
Through their stomachs, of course.
When you leave delicious nuts for them daily,
sit close by. The squirrels will begin to trust
you enough to start sending you messages telepathically.
Some people close themselves off to this subtle form
of mind control out of fear or ignorance.
But what harm can it do?
The squirrel is simply programming you so that you'll
know exactly what is expected of you. It makes life easier on everyone.
Thanks for asking.


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I recently went off to college in the wonderful state of Missouri (aka Misery). I never had too many friends in high school, basically one crazy cracka who was in a crazy ska band, and another crazy cracka who was also in the same ska band. ANYWAY... once i got here, i became a big man on campus, in the truest sense of the term. I'm roughly 4'5" tall, and have developed a slight weight problem... I have plumped up to a 40" waist pant size. My friends make fun of me and say i look like a big Pear. After taking much grief from them, i found a new crew, and to make a long story short, i recently pledged with a fraternity, and they made me do all these strange rituals in order to join, such as streak through the local chruch during a sunday mass, touch a horse's genitals, and eat a whole big jar of mayonaisse with a spoon. To make it worse, they've even been beating me heavily with a huge baseball bat shaped object they call "the Emofo". I guess what i want to know is, if you could be any Star Wars Character, which would you be? i'd be Han Solo, coz he's so hot and he has a 7 foot wookie!
Sincerly yours, --Efeeko El Hoocho
From: The Infamous Efeeko El Hoocho!
(This Months Lucky Bath Salt Winner)
Of: straight outta compton!
Affiliation: No Clue

Dear Efeeko, Hands down, I would have to be Princess Leia. But only in the scene where she is Jabba the Hutt's slave, dressed all scantily with that bondage thing going on… Er, just kidding.


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I have heard that when one wants to
get a squirrel out of one's yard,
one might shout "HOLLA" at it.
Is this effective? Would you, a squirrel,
be intimidated upon hearing the word "holla"?
Also, any suggestions for coaxing a
squirrel into letting you pet it?
(For those times when you want
the squirrel to stick around.)

From: heeeeh
Of: ?
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear heeeeh,
Sorry but 'holla' isn't going to intimidate any squirrels.
It will, however, get you the help you need if you do it enough.
And pleeease don't try to pet us.
We'll just bite you; no matter how many delicious nuts you've given us beforehand.



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