ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



November 2001 Letters

Pigeon or Squirrel Halloween Grammer success Take over
Nuttered Racetracks No Problem Rabies
Ms. Kule says it all Deserving Victimhood Squirrel Calendar?
Chick Magnet Costume




Dear Grumpy,
Would you rather be a pigeon or squirrel?
If you were a pigeon you could fly around.
If you were a squirrel you could climb trees and dig holes
and hide stuff. I was thinking about this all day but
I could not decide whether I would rather be a
squirrel or a pigeon. Where are you from?
Would you go on a date with me? What would we
do on our first date? How old are you and why do
you masquerade as a squirrel on the internet?

From: blondeshuga
Of: Mass
Affiliation:No Clue


Dear Blondeshuga,
I will start at the bottom of your list:
I do not need to masquerade as a squirrel on the
Internet and therefore-do not.
However, if someone were to do it,
they would certainly have a lot of people
asking them for dates.
If we were to go out on a date, you would pay
for everything, of course and I would have the
tedious task of entertaining you with my
abundant Byzantine humor (thanks Jackie).
Would I go on a date with you? Hardly. . .
seeing as how your first question totally disqualified
you from the race!!
I am from Colorado, where the lack of oxygen at high
altitudes takes it toll after a few years.
And finally: Would I rather be a pigeon or a squirrel???
HMMH!!

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
DID YOU GO OUT ON HALLOWEEN?I GAVE MY SQUIRRELS
A SPECIAL TREAT.I BOUGHT THEM SOME DELICIOUS MIXED NUTS.
THEY CAME TO MY YARD DRESSED UP AS STOCKTON WITH ACORNS
TO THROW AT THE CATS.HAVE A NICE AND SCARY HALLOWEEN.
From: Mary204
Of: PHILA PA.
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Mary,
Yes, I went to a party in celebration of Halloween.
Do you know what Jell-O Shots are??
Well, I didn't. Do you know how silly a grown squirrel
looks while tumbling down the steps of the front porch?
I wish I had been wearing a Stockton Dupres costume!


"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
Hello, old chap! Now, I'm afraid
I have good news AND bad news. As you had suggested
last month, I bought a parrot so as to improve my grammar.
For three weeks, the plan went on without a hitch.
However, in the fourth week, my cat (Bandit) finally
managed to devour the parrot, and now I am hopelessly
stuck in the dishwasher. I'll figure my own way out
of here, but I just wanted to thank you for solving
my grammatical problems!

From: John O'Keefe
Of: Evangel College, Missouri
Affiliation:Confederate


Dear John,
I can't tell you how pleased I was to hear
from you, as I get very few success stories
coming back to me.
You should know that you were a runner up
for the monthly bath salts and I even thought
about cheating, but. . . you know.
Anyway, you didn't win anything this month either.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
tell me how i can help the
squirrels take over manhattan

From: scary llama
Of: Satan
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Scary,
I'm not telling.
At least, not until I see your tattoo.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
I did it. I found the poodle of my dreams.
He has a nice house and a big back yard. He is classy, smart,
and lets me have his chew bones. I can see him from my
living room window and we can talk all day, I can hardly wait
in till mom lets me out so I can run down the street to my love.
We plan on running away with each other and starting a famely.
Mom laughed and said "good luck". She told me that the
"acorns had all ready fallen off the tree".
I dont understand but figured you would.
Help, I am so confused!

From:Woofer-Snoodle
Of: Rhode Island
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Woofer-Snoodle,
I guess I will have to do your Mother's dirty work
and explain it to you.
You see, 'acorns falling off the tree' is an analogy
of what befalls most urban dogs if they are owned
by responsible humans.
The fact is, you will never have a family of your own. . .
not like your MOTHER, who was kept a breeding machine
by her pimp owners.
You're lucky and don't you forget it.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
Why are there never squirrels around race tracks?
My husband says that it is because the track has tasty "Hamburgers".
Could this be?? I know that alot of the guys ask for a
"squirrel burger" when ordering but I always thought
it was a joke. I am very concerned.
Could you get to the bottom of this for me?
Thanks.

From: Girl
Of: Rhode Island
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Girl,
What do we possibly care about hamburgers?
Or hamburgers called 'squirrel-burgers' (they wish).
The sad fact is that squirrels have addictive personalities
and are pre-disposed to gambling. Any respectable squirrel
in this day and age has been taught since baby-hood
to steer clear of the ponies.
If you see a squirrel at the racetrack, you can bet that
he (or she) has hit rock bottom and desperately needs
a delicious nut. If you just give it to him, he will run
off to bury it, possibly forgetting the nightmare he
just left behind. You could change his life forever
in that one gift.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
A squirrel sits on my neighbors fence
and squaks until their dog comes out then throws rocks and
stuff at the dog. What should I do about the dogs yelps
of pain, its funny sometimes but sometimes this goes on
all day, it's p***ing me of greatly.
I love that squirrel and leave peanuts for him but
I hate the damn dog.
Thanks,

From: Pablo Picante
Of: the land of black squirrels
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Pablo,
Is there really a problem here?
I think not.
Call it a day, Buddy.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
Why do animals that carry rabies drool
thick saliva that looks like foam?
Also how did rabies get its name?
Hope you love your nuts,
Always, Erica P.s. Go Nuts!

From: Erica
Of: Pennsylvania
Affiliation: Confederate



Dear Erica,
You might as well know that the thick saliva
that drools from the infected animal's mouth
is used as shaving cream for the masses.
Of course, it is thoroughly sterilized first.
So, the next time you contemplate shaving those
unsightly chest hairs, remember the cruelty that
is involved and pluck them instead.
As for the name, catchy, isn't it?

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
Watched the greys husk & bury five b.w'nuts, this a.m.,
while I had my coffee break. They're so good at what they do!
Say, Grump, y is it the highest level of edu. rarely coincides
with the highest IQ? Is it because the ivy leagues don't
admit squirrels, for fear of them collecting & burying most
of the faculty, and all of the administration?

From: "Ignorant on this subject... (and so many others!)"
Of: Just in from muckin' stalls for a bite of lunch...
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear ignorant,
You've said it better than I ever could.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy,
why am i here? what is the point of life?
do i deserve to be alive or am i a waste of flesh and bones?
oh..please answer me......please...?!!!!!

From: nowonmai
Of: here
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear No,
I felt as you do once, a long time ago.
Yesterday.
We are all a waste of flesh and bone to someone.
Do they matter? Just because they have all the
money and the monopoly on development and a big lobby?
I suppose. In the eyes of the law.
But once you say to yourself,
"I have a right to life and dignity,
and I'm here to take it to the limit."
What are they going to do?
We were born. That is right enough.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page

Dear Grumpy,
I am getting picked on at work by a big bully girl.
She sneaks onto my email and sends messages to this hot "hunk"
who also works with us. Embarrassing stuff such as "Wanna square dance?"
She also sneak sticks stuff on my car. Like, the other day,
she stuck an empty orange juice container on my back windshield wiper.
I didn't know about it until some old man at the
post office approached me and asked me if he could ask a question.
Like, I was thinking he was going to ask me out and he says
"What is the significance of the orange juice container?"
Like, I was totally freaked!! She also has the annoying
and totally disturbed habit of using the restroom at work to
do her duty and not flushing. Like, totally gross!!!
It makes me want to upchuck when I happen upon it.
What can be done? I know she is not planning to move anytime soon.
Her husband is in jail here and she visits him often.
Oh, and she is also after a married guy at work.
He has been married like forever and has eight children
ranging in age from 16 - 1. Any suggestions?
She is driving me nuts!!!!!! I'm at the end of my tree.

From: Squirrelfriend
Of: My mommy
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Friend,
Remember, it takes two to be a victim.
Stop it!!!

"Grumpy"

back to top of page

Dear Grumpy,
Where can a real cute squirrel calandar for 2001 be had?

From: prairieskies
Of: Nebraska
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Prairie,
You tell me!
I have found calendars of every subject from
ferrets to frogs, from clowns to motorcycle mamas,
from Chihuahuas to insects,
from cross-dressing Santa's to porn star grandmas. . .
But can I find a calendar with hot squirrel babes on it?
Noooo!

"Grumpy"

back to top of page

"Dearest Grumpy"
Does this picture do you justice?
We want to make a Grumpy Halloween costume to add
to our collection and we want it to be just right!
We'll send you a picture when it is made!

From: Girls in Squirrel Costumes
Of: Loserville
Affiliation: bushytail envier


Dear Girls,
Totally, this is me at my best (thanks to my old buddy LOvey).
But I'll warn you. . . I'm a chick-magnet and you better
think twice about dressing up like me unless you like girls.
Dying to see the picture.

"Grumpy"

back to top of page

©1997greysquirrel@greysquirrel.net



This Website ©Grey Squirrel's Page of Silliness 1998 All Rights Reserved