ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



October 2001 Letters

Saur Puss Squeemp Tacos Am I Mad?
Heartbreakers Grammar Skinny Squirrel Wonder Cheeks
Evolution




Dear Grumpy,
why do I feel so sad grumpy? is it because my boss is a bitch? she picks on me all day long, shouting at me and telling me I am stupid. what should I do? every night I go home and cry. I can't bear to come into work in the morning; I know her sour face will be looking at me. tell me what to do!

From: Lindsey
Of: London
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Lindsey,
If you can't quit that job, you've simply got to outsmart the little sour-ball (easy to do if she's as ignorant as you describe). No intelligent human spends her day belittling someone else unless she has some REAL problems herself.
Clearly, you are a threat to her.
That's why squirrels are persecuted, because we are so clever and cute too.
A squirrel on top of this situation will use her own cunning (and the law, if possible) to build her own sanctuary in a forest of predators. Don't brood, don't gossip, and don't become her. Be professional and competent in what you do every day. Because at harvest time, you will have all the nuts and she'll be wallowing in a mound of decaying leaves.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
The squirrel world seems, for bumbling humans, to be a netherland cloaked in the mystery of morning dews. If you were stranded on an island with only one very productive nut tree, which nut species would it be? We have planted a multitude of hazelnut shrubs which yield hearty treats my brother turns into chocolate bars. And the stars tell me that the time is right for "Squeemp: The Squirrel from Space" to arrive here on earth, saving us from evildoers. Thank you for your divine Grumpy interventions.

From: Brent Bielema
Of: Fulton, IL
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Brent,
Your letter is beyond disturbing for many reasons. For one thing, I can't think about being stranded on an island with only one nut tree. The thought is so terrifying that I have to take motion sickness pills and lie down.
And then your blasphemous use of delicious Hazelnuts to make CHOCOLATE BARS! Gross!!
Oh yeah, Squeemp: 'The squirrel from space' won't be dropping by this year to fight evil because President Bush has taken the initiative on that one.
Get a real job, Brent.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I love tacos, but i can only eat 5 at a time, what should i do?

From: Joseph
Of: CA
Affiliation: No Clue


Wuss!
All of my friends can eat at least 50 tacos at a time. And the world is a better place because of it.
I'm sure you are good at something.
Am I right?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I'm beginning to worry that I may BE a nut, myself!!! Shrub, Ruby, Patticake, Ashen, Pow - a whole bunch of guys with whom I thought I had VERY LITTLE IN COMMON sounded fairly sane to me, last week. Is that the first sign of the madness creeping into my pathetic little grey cells? Can I be cured - and I don't mean "cured" in the salted & dried sense, either! Please advise!
(In case you're not in the mood for the name game: Shrub = Bush; Ruby = Guilani; Patticake = Pataki; Ashen = Ashcroft; Pow = Powell.

From: Asa'Panic Stricken! (even more than usual!)
Of: I'm begining to wonder, myself!
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Panic:
No, you are not mad.
Remember when you were just a little sprite of a nut, and you thought Captain Kangaroo was okay? You never questioned his name or his hairdo. The mustache seemed perfectly normal and his relationship with Mr. Green Jeans was above reproach. But then you found that magazine under your parent's bed when you were looking for a lost marble and 'voila' you no longer had anything in common with the Captain or any of his weird puppets. They suddenly seemed childish and worse, irrelevant.
Well, the exact opposite has happened to you now. It takes a split second to open your mind to something new, leaving it forever changed . . . For better or for worse.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Hi Grumpy,
I raised a baby squirrel and about a year after I released my precious nut lover he hasn't visited me. He would be at my front door every morning and occasionally would take off for a few days here and there, But now he's been gone all summer! He hasn't even written or called!!!!! Is that the thanks I get??? I Miss him dearly and I was hoping you could tell me where you squirrels disappear to!!!!!

From: Julie
Of: New York
Affiliation: no clue


Dearest Julie, Even the best of us are heartbreakers. We can't help it.
But in our own way, we always remember our human Mommies.
Someday, as you sit in your front porch rocking chair, with your secret whisky bottle tucked under the cushion and a fly swatter in each hand, you'll be visited by your long lost baby. He'll look like an angel with the morning sun at his back, peering at you expectantly. You hand him the peanut you've been holding for him in your bra. He will take it greedily and disappear with a swish of his tail.
You won't know for sure if it was he, but remember this, it WILL be!

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I have many problems. I will only bug you with one of them. My problem's name is Bandit. He my cat! All day long he sleeps on the couch, the lazy bum!! However, Bandit sometimes likes to chase squerls. Those squerls are smart though and they throw acorns at Bandit make him run away. I try to hide in the dishwasher when this happens, but I am too big for that. I am shaped like a pear! So, I guess my question for Grumpy is how do i improve my grammer?

From: John O'Keefe
Of: Evangel University in Missouri
Affiliation: Patriot


Dear John,
First, get one of those personal voice recorders and a parrot. The next time you are trying to squeeze your fruity body into the dishwasher, start describing the experience to the recorder.
Once you have it recorded, simply play it over and over until the parrot starts to say it back to you. Amazingly, the parrot will retell the story with perfect grammar. The bird will repeat it until you give it another story to fix. In this way, you will memorize the significant events in your life and be able to repeat them using the improved grammar from the parrot's interpretations.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I FEED ALOT OF SQUIRREL'S EVERYDAY, WHEN THIS ONE PARTICULAR SQUIRREL COMES TO FEED, THE REST OF THE SQUIRREELS RUN AWAY.THE SQUIRREL'S THAT RUN ARE MUCH BIGGER THEN SKINNEY SQUIRREL.

From: MARY2014
Of: PHILA.PA.
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Mary,
From what you have told me, it can mean only one thing: Skinny Squirrel is an informant for the FBI!
Sure, he's puny and has no class, but he's wearing a wire and nobody wants to be near him.
If I were you, I would watch what I said around him.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
How many nuts can you fit in your mouth at once?

From: Spazmatastic
Of: Modesto
Affiliation: Confederate



Dear Spaz,
In my younger days, I was known as 'Wonder Cheeks' because I could fit so many.
They still call me that, uh. . . but for a different reason now.
Anyway, I would be embarrassed to say.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
The ? is, how much reproduction is necessary to evolve into something USEFUL?!?

From: Molly Kule
Of: Just in from the barns
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Molly,
As you might have guessed, squirrels have stopped evolving. We are there . . . Period. We are simply reproducing for the sheer joy of bringing new and precious bushytails into the world. And because we have to keep up with the number of squirrels that are murdered every year, especially in Kentucky.
Humans on the other hand, must continue to reproduce at an alarming rate because they are getting nowhere in the evolutionary process. I have heard that people with the highest level of education have the fewest children Big surprise. I think they've figured out that their offspring would not be any more advanced than they are, so why bother.
oh. Where was I?

"Grumpy"

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