what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.

January/February 2003 Letters

Dear Grumpy,
I have been confused lately on how squirrels keep their tails so fluffy. I am a big fan of your work grumpy.

From: Freezee
Of: SC
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Freezee,
A squirrel's tail is like your brain, in that it must have constant stimulation and nourishment to stay in top shape. If your brain has nothing to do for long periods of time, or if you fill up on empty calories and cheap beer (as do most squirrel hunters) your brain gets all puny and shabby. Of course all humans want a big, fluffy brain. But it can only be obtained through discipline and a great diet. Many humans lack the simplest of motivations to achieve such a beautiful brain. So the next time you see a squirrel with a big fluffy tail, ask yourself, "Is my brain that fluffy?" If the answer is no, don't get jealous and small. Admire the glory before your eyes and strive to become more than you are.
You'll be glad you did.

Dear grumpy,
Why do the other squirrels, not to mention chipmunks dig up my nuts that I so carefully and cautiously buried?

From: Quirky I
Third pine tree from the left
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Quirky,
It is exactly the care and caution you use when burying your nuts that attracts the attention of others.
When you're slinking around, looking for that special burying place and then look over your shoulder while burying it, everyone thinks to his or herself, "Mmmmm…Looks like ol' Quirky got himself something wondrously yummy." They're probably disappointed when they dig up some common acorn.
What you need to do is act like it's nothing special. Don't clench it in your cheeks while looking for a place to put it. Throw it on the ground and kick it as you go. Since no squirrel in his right mind would treat a nut this way, others will think that it must be rotten or worm infested. And when you bury it, don't sit there and dig! Simply pat it down and turn your back on it. Then with all four feet, scratch up just enough grass and dirt to cover it. Everyone will be so impressed at how macho you look while doing this that they will completely forget that you had a nut.
Good luck!

Dear grumpy,
how do i know that i know and when do i actually know?
From: Mr. Q
Of: Scotland
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Q,
This is a tough one but I have discovered a trick that helps.
While looking in the mirror and wearing a wristwatch, I tell myself what I want to know and I read my lips while I'm doing it, then look at my watch. This is a foolproof way to double-check yourself for what you really know and when you know it.

Dear Grumpy,
do squirrels have boobs?
From: Nuts Smack
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Nuts,
Only the ones that write to us.


Of: Phila, PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Gang,
Thank you for your kind words but no, not Hollywood. What would a guy like me do there? I am too fat to be a leading man and too ruggedly handsome to play a supporting role. Besides, from what I've heard, they no longer pay you in peanuts.


Dear Colonel Grumpy.
Why am I writing to a mythological rodent who claims military rank? This has been bothering me for some time now. Can you answer and set what's left of my mind at ease?
From: homosapiennotalien
Of: Over there
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Homo,
Sure, I could answer but you won't like it.
You are frustrated because every time you win an auction at ebay, you're disappointed with the purchase. You wait for your mail every day hoping it will show up. When it finally arrives, it does not transform your figure into that of a supermodel. It is not the final, vintage vanity item that you expected to make your home complete. It smells like cigarette smoke and your check bounced because your no-good husband pulled all the money out of your account when he ran off with the plumber.
So now someone has left you negative feedback.
You resort to writing to me because you know I'm as addicted to peanuts as you are to the on-line auctions and I understand that things happen.
Feel better, now?


Dear Grumpy,
I really like this guy, "Scott". I have heard rumors that he likes me too, but I don't know for sure. After our class got back from a class trip, he told me he liked me too. But that was so long ago! Do you think he still likes me?
From: Cow Princess
Of: Virginia
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Cow,
Don't do this! Don't waste another minute thinking on someone who either lied to you, changed his mind or is too thick to make things perfectly clear.
When I like a certain lady, there is no doubt in her mind that I want her.
Not in her mind…or her attorney's.

Dear grumpy,
what is the meaning of life grumpy? I ask this because as far as i can tell it is for bill paying and discovering what its like to be skint. Burying your nuts in the ground is one thing but finding um again is another. My plans for making life better for my self are certainly not working as a student but i thought you could dig up some answers and give me some tips. Thank you.

From: Nutkin
Of: England
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Nut,
I know what you're saying and I know how bleak it must look to you right now. The truth is, we think too much about the meaning of life. When we obsess about it, we are missing out on precious moments that whiz by in slow motion. Then we wake up one day and realize that the meaning of life was the simple act of burying a nut that has grown into a tree, or chasing up the trunk of a Oak with one of our siblings who has since, passed on. And you realize that you squandered too much time on questions that could not be answered. And you also realize that it is your responsibility to inform the youth of today that they should live each day as if it were their last. But you are old and uncool, and they don't want to hear anything you have to say. So you just crack another peanut, turn on Animal Planet and say screw it.

Dear Grumpy,
Do you have any pictures of peer pressure?

From: Unknown
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Unk,
Actually, I do. It is an old snapshot of someone's steaming name, written in the snow.


Dear Grumpy,
Why do bad things happen to good people?
From: Soldalo
Of: College Station
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Sol,
Bad things also happen to rotten people. Just not when we think they should.

Dear grumpy,
how do i get peanut butter stains out???

From: Savannah
Of: Edmonton
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Savannah,
I am worried that this might be a trick question. Why would anyone want to remove something as lovely as a peanut butter stain? Still, there is only one way; cut it out and send it to me.

Dear Grumpy,
I have a small vendetta against squirrels, what do you have a vendetta against?
yours hopefully

From: Safety Rich
Of: Southampton, England
Affiliation: Confederate (I think not)

Dear Rich,
If I have a vendetta, it would have to be against those people who have squirrel sculptures in their gardens and on their porches. But then they hate for real squirrels to come any where near their yards! What's that about?

Dear Grumpy,
From: Dk
Of: England
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear DK,
In spite of the fact that I don't know you, I will just say that I don't know. You do seem sort of nutty, and I can't resist nutty anything.

Hey Grumpy,
Can't wait to have some more watermelon. My question is --if the squirrel that you are trying to "send over the edge" realizes what you are and have been trying to do--then pretends like he doesn't-- and then finds something big enough for your face--or instead decides to look for help with the department of legal aid and then for one reason or another you end up in jail for the rest of your life-- and lose everything you own-- and say ,just for fun, that that same squirrel figures out that you more than pushed your friend LEEona over the edge?

From: Squirrel
Of: where you are all going Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Squirrel,
More than likely, that squirrel you're talking about, has a prison connection. You figure out the rest.

Dear Grumpy,
I've been celibate for 4 years...Why do I feel funny?
From: Needyman
Of: Rock Island, Home of the Black Squirrels
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Needy,
I sincerely doubt that your feeling funny has anything to do with your being celibate. What, do you think that's special? Many, many fine upstanding individuals are celibate (by choice!). It doesn't make them funny, or unlovable or ODD. I think you might be very surprised at how common it really is. I'm sure that your funniness stems from something else, entirely. Like a head injury that you don't remember getting.

Greetings, Grump -
I'm just concerned 'bout you - don't see any replies to September, or October - are you in rehab, again??? Or, were you already aware of the coming defeat of the Democratic Party, and have you gone into hiding, fearing the coming apocalypse? Me, I'm thinking semi-hibernation is the answer. Like a bad dream; sometimes, it's better to just go with it, knowing it is just a dream, and you will eventually wake. We miss your words of wit and wisdom, Grump.

From: Molly Kule
Of: My mother's womb....
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Molly,
I suppose I was trying to sleep it away, too. But every time I came out for a nut, the situation had turned from dream to bad dream to nightmare to what we have now. The world is run by bigger nuts than I'll ever see.


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