ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once in awhile.



March/April 2003 Letters









Dear Grumpy,
YES I WILL ALWAYS BRING NUTS TO A GOOD SWEET SQUIRREL.GRUMPY HAVE A VERY HAPPY EASTER THIS YEAR YOU SHOULD GET ALOT OF NUTS FROM THE EASTER BUNNY.MY DEAR SWEET GRUMPY WHY DO WE NOT HAVE AN EASTER SQUIRREL AFTER ALL THE SQUIRREL IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDLY BUSHY TAIL BUDDY THAT ALL CHILDREN WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO RECEIVE A EASTER EGG FROM THE GREAT GREY. WHY DON'T YOU LOOK INTO IT AND MAYBE NEXT YEAR WE CAN HAVE AN EASTER SQUIRREL.

From: Mary Ann
Of: Phila
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary,
Once again, you have touched on a very important matter. Why in the world is there an Easter Bunny?
Bunnies don't collect and store things. You never see bunnies with big stashes of anything that they've collected on their own. Least of all, a big basket of eggs! Where would a bunny get a big batch of colored eggs-steal them? HA!! Squirrels on the other hand, spend their entire lives collecting and hording huge stores of things. THAT'S WHAT WE DO!! And we don't wait around for people to give us stuff, either.
We steal.
The other puzzling thing about the so-called Easter bunny is that I don't think rabbits even eat eggs. But we do. In fact, I have a preference for those pretty little blue eggs that I used to find still warm in the nest.
Oh, back in the day, Mary. Back in the day…

Grumpy




Dear Grumpy
In reviewing your terrific web site, I surmise or at least suspect that you may have been previously employed by some part of our Federal squirrel system. Being a 24 year veteran of one such division of that Federal squirrel system, I can relate to many or your observations and references. I'd be curious to know, what squirrel agency you were connected to. Your references and "intelligence" is far too accurate, hitting much too closely upon the mark not to have been such a squirrel yourself. Your web site is an inspiration to all of us squirrels that have long known what you openly espouse but that we other squirrels never had the nuts to express ourselves. At any rate, keep up the great work. Your web site is an inspiration to us all and it gives us renewed hope that there truly is humor to be found in what we all took so seriously when we were active squirrels. Excuse me now while I climb down from my tree. The sun has set and it's time to climb into the nest. -- From: A USSS Squirrel
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear USSS,
I am currently in the National Nut Protection Program (NNPP) and am not at liberty to discus my past affiliations. I'm sure you understand.

Grumpy




Dear Grump,
People seem to enjoy relaxing when eating their meals....why is it that they are so obsessed to make squirrel feeders in a way that makes us have to do "tricks" to get the food, bird proofing is unheard of for squirrel feeders, why do they get a free lunch???????

From: Secret Squirrel
Of: down south, home of the cat squirrels
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Secret,
Don't get me started on the birds. Those tweeters are born with silver seed in their beaks and there's nothing going to change it.
And of course, some humans think animals exist for the sole purpose of entertaining them.
Grumpy




Dear grumpy,
I have been smokin crack for many years now. I am not the same person anymore. i don't sleep, eat, or have friends. I can't wean my addiction. All i do is fien. I have gone to and I am going to rehab, but that doesn't help. What would you suggest? I am desperate.
From: Slim
Of: California
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Slim,
I know what it is to be a prisoner to addiction and I completely symp. Obviously, you are too far gone to help yourself and you need to be hospitalized. I know it is the only thing that will help me with the peanut problem. Unfortunately, it costs money to live in a hospital and most of us get booted out before we can manage on our own. I always get kicked out early because my insurance sucks. Then I just slide back into that place, with those same people who make peanuts available to me.
Sometimes I wish that I would run away and get lost in the desert for about a year. I'm certain that there is no access to peanuts there, crack either. And then one day I would emerge, chewing on a piece of cactus and talking about my visions.
It cheers me up to think of it.
Grumpy




Dear old Grumpy!.....pal'o'mine!
Inquiring squirrelly minds want to know, how do I convince my human slave that I do not do sweep up after myself nor do windows!? Now I ask ya, how is a fellah like me supposed to pick up after myself, (what my human cries out at me for....poor delusional but well meaning, soul)if I can't even pick up a broom? And why just me? I mean, there's an entire group of us that have the same slave....err.....i mean, human lovely soul that provides such great nuts for us to eat... Are we bound to a contract? or is it eat, make a mess and run? or, eat, pick up a d*** (her words, not mine!)broom once in a while?
Thank you
P.S. I'm supposed to say that she's not bitter though.
From: QuirkyI
Of: I keep tellin' you, third pine tree from the left
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Quirky,
Haven't you been paying attention? Of course there is no contract.
You are not in a relationship, you are in a position of authority! You keep that human around only if she behaves herself…Are you listening? Believe me, if she doesn't want to clean up after you, there are plenty others in the world (probably in the neighborhood) that do.
Who has the bushy tail here anyway?
Grumpy




MY DEAR GRUMPY,
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT SQUIRRELS ARE NOW BEING RECOGNIZE AS BEING VERY INTELLIGENT?I SEE THEM ALL THE TIME ON TV SELLING INSURENCE POST IT TABS. PECO ENERGY ALSO EMPLOYES THE SQUIRREL.I FEEL IT IS ABOUT TIME SQUIRRELS ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR TALENT AND NOT JUST A PRETTY BUSHY TAIL.DONT YOU AGREE?LOVE PEACE AND FLOWERS TO A DEAR SWEET SQUIRREL.MARY ANN From: Mary Ann
Of: Phila
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary,
Once again, you have touched on an important issue.
Unfortunately, this trend has me worried. Sure squirrels are being used to SELL stuff because CUTE sells. But tell me how this is going to help Joe Squirrel.
After all, scantily clad women are used in the same way. Young girls ruin their health trying to achieve the supermodel look. Grown women who should know better, try to starve and carve themselves into images that they can never be. Overall, I'd say it has been a negative thing for them. And now the height of entertainment seems to be violence between women. It's still violence against women.
I'd rather not see such depravity come to the world of squirrels. We have enough problems with the nut stigma.

Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
I brought a single Brazil Nut, one of the hardest of nuts in the world. I challenge you Mr. Grumpy to crack that nut in front of a witness because I believe that your peanut addiction stems from the fact that you no longer have your natural teeth! I allege that your peanut addiction comes not from your love of peanuts but the fact that it is the only nut that you can open by yourself.
Is it not true that you are hiding a mid-life crisis behind an addiction that is serious for some?
Think about it Grumpy, the truth shall set you free.

From: Secret Super Stud Squirrel
Of: Georgia
Affiliation: Confederate
Dear Stud,
I'm glad that you are paying attention in your psych 101 class.
But I would like to remind you of a couple of things:
#1, I am old enough to by hard liquor
#2, Since I am not yet a convicted felon, I can own guns.

Grumpy




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