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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once in awhile.



May/June 2003 Letters









DEAR GRUMPY,
WISHING YOU A HAPPY 4TH OF JULY FROM THE PHILLY GANG OF GREYS. WELL GRUMPY I NEED TO ASK A QUESTION: CITY SQUIRRELS, DO THEY EVER CONSIDER LIVING IN EMPTY HOMES OR DO THEY ALWAYS LIVE IN TREES? THE REASON I'M ASKING IS THE PHILLY GREYS HAVE BEEN SPENDING ALOT OF TIME HANGING OUT ON A ROOF BEHIND MY HOME AND IT APPEARS THEY ARE QUITE CONTENT.WELL LOVE PEACE AND FLOWERS FOR A DEAR SWEET SQUIRREL.

From: Mary Ann
Of: Phila
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary Ann,
Do we ever consider living in empty homes?
We consider all empty homes potential Flop Houses. But those of us with a little more finesse stay away from them. We prefer an occupied home any day because they are warm, stocked with food and have live wires running through them. Of course, some squirrel flop houses are nothing more than peanut-oil dens. Seedy places where addicts go to get their fix. Nothing brings down a neighborhood quicker than one of those. Hope your greys are clean.
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
i stupid like a squirrel?
From:?
Of: PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear ?,
Only if your name is Einstein.
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
Clik...CliK...? Anyways, why do squirrels always know and run away when people are hunting 4 them???
From: Dracula
Of: WA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Drac,
Why do vampires always know when you're alone and virginal?
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
At first I viewed you as a pitiful old squirrel, who could no longer "crack a real nut" but now, I have begun to respect your life experiences, a Jane Pittman of the squirrel world......please lay off of the peanuts, your cholesterol has to be through the roof! I think you may need some greens. I need you, please take care of yourself...have you had a stress test lately? Do you have to deal with cats on a daily basis? Can we rule out Alzheimer's?
From: Secret Squirrel
Of: The Deep South
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear SS,
Thank you for your concern over my health. As for peanuts, they are a simple fact of life and I struggle with them daily. Cats stay out of my way and no, it's not Alzheimer's. I was just left out in the sun for a few minutes too long when I was a baby.
But I'm feeling better now…really.
Grumpy




Dear Grump,
I have written to you on occasion and feel that you have great insight and wisdom, so I am here to ask advice on my latest dilemma. I am very careful in hiding my delicious nuts, taking great care that no one is watching when I find the perfect hiding place. My problem is....after taking such great care with my cache', I feel a commitment to eat the prize after retrieving it, the problem is, sometimes my prize has rottened and I feel there are starving squirrels around the world, so I feel I must eat it and not be wasteful. Can squirrels get food poisoning? Your new best friend.
From: Super stud Squirrel
Of: Down South
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Stud Squirrel,
Rest assured that this is a common dilemma for us squirrels. Eat the nut? leave it be? eat the nut? Etc, etc. I've never heard of us getting nut poisoning. But what I find odd is that you say the nuts are rotting. Most squirrels know instinctively how far down to bury a nut so that it is either:
1) Fresh and delicious when we retrieve it, or 2) Grows into a healthy tree if we forget where it is.
If your nuts are rotting, I suspect that you were born without that instinctive knowledge, and perhaps you are not a squirrel at all. Have you peeked into a mirror lately?
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
I was once told that chipmunks will lose their tail if frightened, but they do grow back. This morning my cat just got the tail. On inspecting it there was no blood & the chippy ran off. Is this true & will the little guy be alright?
From: Mouse
Of: NY
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mouse,
Like some reptiles, squirrels have the ability to sacrifice their tails If it means escaping with their lives. But unlike reptiles, our tails won't grow back, so we can only do it once.
I know what you're thinking. "But why don't we see squirrels without tails running around, as this must be a common occurrence?"
Because Squirrels without tails go into hiding. They are too ashamed to be seen in public without their once glorious tails and so, they become middle managers in department stores. There they spend the rest of their pathetic lives invisible to the rest of the world. Their only pleasure coming in the form of teenaged summer employees who are easily traumatized by thoughtless remarks.
But don't let it get you down.
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
Me and my ex-boyfriend broke up 8 months ago. he broke up with me because i kissed another guy. i think that he may think that i can't get anyone else. i also think that he wants me back but he just won't admit to it.
From: Gail
Of: MI
Affiliation: Confederate

But Gail,
You said he broke up with you because he saw you kiss another guy. So I doubt that he thinks you can't get anyone else. Also, I wonder why he wouldn't admit to wanting you back, after seeing you kiss another guy and all. Unless of course, he really doesn't want you back.
Better to stop playing head games with yourself and move on.
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
I live in Spain and nobody hate squirrels here. I was very surprised when i discover the anti-squirrel coalition in the USA. What's the reason of this people?, are American squirrels badder than Spanish ones? . Sincerely. From: Mountain Doggy
Of: Spain
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear M.D.,
Sometimes there is a reason one goes bad. When you deprive one of his liberty, happiness, peace and livelihood… There are bound to be repercussions. This happens all over the world when the oppressed decide that they have had enough. They are made to look like the villains in the media, which is generally controlled by the oppressors. And this, my friend, is what has happened with the squirrels in America. Their only crime is that they want to live well, look good and eat birdseed.
Grumpy




Hello Grumpy, sweetheart.
I am a young pretty squirrel with a soft bushy tail. I've seen pictures of you and I think we should get together over some peanuts to chat. Stay in touch cutie!
From: Veronique
Of: Eastpointe, MI
Affiliation: No clue

Dear Veronique,
As appealing as you sound, I see big, fat red flags here!
You know about my peanut problem, yet you make reference to them as though they were wine coolers. For me, there is no such thing as the social consumption of peanuts.
No, a woman like you would only take me to the depths of Hell on a peanut rush-then dump me for some nut after I'm used up.
Grumpy




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