ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



September 2002 Letters









Dear Grumpy,
Does my butt look big??

From: Dark Dreams
Of: Canada
Affiliation: No Clue

Dear Dark,
I know this is a trick question meant to lull me into help mode. Only to backfire in my face if I'm honest and degrade me to a spineless fibber if I'm not. It is the question that has ruined many a night out for those ridiculous enough to tell the truth. But since the two of us have no immediate plans for going anywhere together, I will fearlessly tell you the truth. No, your butt does not look big to me … but it might be. I'm more interested in its shape and texture. It is curiously close in image to a brazil nut. Is that why they call it 'bootylicious?'
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Do you have a Sir name? You really don't seem very grumpy to me. You remind me of an elderly SOUTHERN gentleman with a touch of color. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, feel free to drop by and sit awhile. Yes, refreshments will be provided. I am a southern gal and know all the social graces. Pray tell, I just know you're a gentleman...
From: the witch the house fell on
Of: North Carolina
Affiliation: No Clue

Dear Witch,
Actually, I am a Kentucky Colonel. My real name is Colonel Grumpy. This has always been confusing to me because I thought you had to be in the military to be a colonel-not so. Certainly not in Kentucky or a few other places. I asked my Mother about it and she told me that I was named after my grandfather, Colonel Grumpy. So I asked her if he was in the military. She said, "No Silly, he was a Colonel, like Colonel Sanders."
"You mean he sold chicken?" I asked in amazement.
She just looked at me like mothers do when they first realize their child is an idiot.
She went on to explain that it was an honorary title, generally given to someone with great properties. Of course, this can't be true since I was named after someone else and all I own are a few nuts (and I stole those).
Actually, given that there are so many misspellings along the family tree, perhaps my name is really Kernel Grumpy.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
you ARE PURE EVIL!!!!! SATAN WORSHIPERS! i was attacked by a squirrel and have been scared since. you are truly a meat of evil. potent evil. true, vile, evil evil. bottom-of-the-bottom evil. PURE evil. EVIL!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(can you help me?)

From: Joe
Of: ? Affiliation: Bushy-Tail envier

Dear Joe,
First of all, thanks for noticing. I would hate to think that all of my vile acts have been performed in vain. I absolutely chitter with delight every time one of my comrades out smarts one of your species. And it happens more times than you think because history is written by humans after all. Although I don't know why they bother since they continue to repeat their actions and make the same mistakes over and over.
As for helping you, why not? Here is an exercise for you to try. Go for one entire day without affecting the world in a negative way. Don't pollute, generate garbage, kill or harm any living thing, don't hurt another's feelings or reputation and don't buy into the subtlest forms of sexism, racism or speciesm.
There now, was that hard? Not only can't you do it but while you were reading this, you decided that you weren't going to even try.
The moral is: You're just as rotten as me. Hehe…
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Since most microwaves are made with metal, why can't you cook with metal utensils?
From: Sorry, I lost your name, but liked your question

Dear Sorry,
Long before any of us realized that Microsoft wanted to become God, there were microwaves. The makers were thinking ahead and decided that they would introduce microwaves that would not tolerate metal, just for no reason.
Not only that but for those rebels who do put metal in their microwaves, a message is immediately sent to the manufacturer. Microwave makers collect personal information on the metal users and sell it to the Government for future…something.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Why are acorns more plentiful in some years than others? This year we had a tremendous amount of acorns to fall in our yard. They were falling so much we had to move our car because of damage. Please explain why acorns fall more some years than others. I am not very clear about this but I want to know why.
From: Nutty
Of: oaktreeheaven
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Nutty,
Some Oaks, produce acorns every other year or less. And some produce mass amounts of them every once in a while. I'm sure they have their reasons, LIKE BIRDS!
Oaks love squirrels because we bury their acorns in just the right depth of earth to insure proper germination…and then we forget. A wild turkey, on the other hand, will gobble them up without a thought of stashing any for a rainy day. The mighty Oak loathes the Turkey and other fowl for their rapturous gluttony and so, tries to confuse them by switching years.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
in the UK we have grey squirrels and red squirrels and they don't seem to get along with each other. Any tips for negotiation between such similar yet differently coloured wonders of nature? Thanks for such a fine site, brought to my attention via Google and a random lunchtime search for the word "squiffle". Enjoy nuts and prosper.
From: Fishface
Of: Lancaster, United Kingdom
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Fishface:
Naturally, it was human meddling that put the two arboreal brothers at odds in your land. Humans brought the greys over without any thought to what might happen to the reds should the greys escape. Throughout history humans have displaced each other out of greed, hunger, lust or meanness, totally ignoring the rights and liberties of the indigenous peoples. Unfortunately for some of their offspring several generations passed, the original homeland refuses to take them back. And so it is with the greys of Great Britain.
Humans generally kill the offending original inhabitants straight out. But with squirrels, there is a little more finesse. The grey squirrel simply out-eats the red and forces it into smaller and smaller areas until one day, they just don't show up for breakfast.
Are there any easy answers when humans screw things up? No.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
why do you have an embedded midi on your site? Man that's so old school. From: Shoemilk
Affiliation: Bushy-Tail Envier

Dear Shoemilk,
It's for the same reason you have a brain imbedded in your head. Purely ornamental.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Ok, my friend and I have had many arguments over who will win the war between the Possessed Squirrels, Vampiric Cows, and Demented Penguins. My friend insists that the squirrels will win but i say cow shall dominate. Now i really relize you're probly ganna side with the squirrels but if you can put aside the fact your a squirrel who do you think will win?
From: Elsrath The Insane
Of:7th Pit Of Hell
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Elsrath,
I would like to be objective and tell you truthfully that the squirrels will win. But in all honesty, my money's on the demented Penguins.
Grumpy


Dear Grumpy.
I am also called Grumpy but for other reasons. You see my friends say that I am a miserable old mare but I can't help being the way that I am. I was born with a defect in my brain so that I cannot smile, I have a permanent frown. I find it difficult to approach people and have lately been telling people about a fictitious boyfriend because I cannot get a boyfriend of my own and I want to feel accepted. Any advice you can offer from your many wise years as a squirrel. Love Grumpy Jo. p.s. Will you be my boyfriend.
From: Jo
Of: Devon
Affiliate: Confederate

Dear Jo,
There is something you're not telling me. I thought frowns were in fashion. You see them on all the fashion models. Maybe boyfriends are not the only things that are fictitious in your world.
Grumpy


MY DEAR GRUMPY,
I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK OF YOU.WHY DO PEOPLE POST MESSAGES ABOUT SQUIRREL'S THAT ARE NASTY AND MEAN YET THEY NEVER SIGN THEIR NAME'S? COULD IT BE THAT PERHAPS A REHAB IS IN ORDER TO MEET THEIR NEEDS.THE PHILLY GANG OF GREY'S SAY HELLO TO A DEAR SWEET SQUIRREL.LOVE PEACE AND FLOWER'S OR NUTS.
From: Mary
Of: Phila PA
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Mary,
Once again, you are on top of a very important issue. The people who post ugly things about squirrels are the most confused and despised of all creatures. Oh, they know it. That's why they don't give their real names. They sit alone in a dark apartment, feverishly typing their puny insults, seething with hate while sucking down a code red. There are few things worse than becoming such a person.

Grumpy


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