ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once in awhile.



Selected 2006 Letters









Dear Grumpy,
'Did you Bring Delicious Nuts?!!' I assume this is a rhetorical question ....
Grumpy, are you alive and well? I notice you've not posted any replies in over two year .... I know you ignore inappropriate questions -- have all the questions presented to you for the last two years been inappropriate??? Hope you're okay, and just been working overtime since the re-election of that supreme nut ... sigh. What the world needs are MORE SQUIRRELS! Then, there would not be so many NUTS running the country .... sigh.

From: skwerlbaitbev

Dear Bev,
How very perceptive of you to place my disappearance with the re-election of you-know-who.
The truth is, I was somewhat comatose for about 4 months after the election. I might have thought that I was brain dead, except that I was aware of wetting myself at least twice during that time.

I’m no different than anyone else who was shocked by what happened; but I did have a unique perspective on it. For example, everyone knows how ridiculous humans are-and yet, even we squirrels didn’t think he would get re-elected by the same folks who made the first horrific blunder back in 2000. If only we had known the depth of their self loathing, we would certainly have found a way to use it to our advantage.
Sure we might seem nutty to humans. We obsess over nuts, we run into the street just as a car is passing and sometimes, we are silly enough to trust a human. But that president of yours is one nut we wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole.
Grumpy




Grumpy,
My teacher thinks that there is an evil squirrel that followed her from florida to Stoughton. She also thinks that you will soon take over the world. What should I do?
From: Sandy
Of: Sloughton, WI

Dear Sandy,
Don’t give it another thought.
Some people just lack an eye for detail. You and I know that all squirrels have unique features just like humans think they do.
But people like your pitiful teacher see one squirrel, and think they’ve seen them all.
If you want to have a little fun, here’s how you can get a few days with a substitute:
Make some random scribbles on a piece of paper-it doesn’t matter if you don’t know ‘squirrel’ because neither does she.
Now put it on her desk before she comes in and weigh it down with an acorn or a walnut.
Teehee…I wish I could be there!
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
I have always wanted a pet squirrel because i think they are so cute but my parents won't let me have one.
what should I do to convince them to let me get a pet squirrel?

From: Whitney
Of: IL

Dear Whitney,
Sorry to disappoint, but most humans cannot handle a healthy squirrel as a pet, so I don’t recommend it.
Most humans cannot even handle a dog or a cat.
You think I’m wrong? Go check out the local animal shelter. Go talk to someone who rescues feral cats.
Those animals didn’t get where they are today on their own. It took millions of people like yourself, who wanted a pet because it was ‘cute,’
only to discover that it was just too big a responsibility for them.
And for god’s sake, think of yourself! Do you really want to be a full-time slave?
Because that is what a squirrel would demand.
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
I've always been wondering: what happens when you squirrels bury acorns?

From: Coolos 99
Of: IL

Dear Coolos,
You’re playin’ with fire, Buddy.
Not even a squirrel is permitted to know what happens to an acorn once buried.
It is ancient, forbidden knowledge and we try not to think of it.
Grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
How do Mr. Grumpy and his ilk feel about Spanish Peanuts?
From: Tom Heald
Of: Montana

Dear Tom,
Surely you jest. No doubt you know about my little problem with peanuts.
The mere mention of the word makes me salivate.
But just because we LOVE them, doesn’t mean they’re good for us.

grumpy




Dear Grumpy,
What is the true meaning of love? From: Detox
Of: MO

Dear Detox,
You will get different answers to that question every time you ask someone.
And most of it will be rubbish, created in the delusional minds of dysfunctional romantics.
I, for instance, always thought it was akin to a chemical reaction that was as easy to give up as a bad habit.

But now that I've had a chance to face my own denial, I can give you the truth, as I have witnessed it.

Love is simply the thing that we spend our youth running from. Even though we think that is exactly what we are looking for.
But true love finds us when we least expect it and few of us will recognize it at the time.
It is for this reason that I believe love is not to be kept. Rather, it is something that we remember much, much later.
We'll remember the selfless love of a parent, a friend, a brother, an animal...a lover.
And as an everlasting flame, it will be the secret place we visit when we tire of all the sexed up imagery and hype of this imaginary world.

Grumpy




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