what do you want now?

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Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once in awhile.

January/March 2004 Letters

Dear Grumpy,
When is enough enough?

From: J.D.
Of: United Kingdom

Dear J.D.
There is never enough of anything. Particularly nuts.
That's why trees keep making them and squirrels keep hording them. When we hoard so many that we forget where they are, that is a good thing for everyone involved. Squirrels, who will have plenty of food, and trees who will perpetuate their species with the forgotten, the buried and the cast-offs.
By the looks of things, there is never enough evil in the world either. That's why humans keep manufacturing it. In fact, some presidents are so concerned about the lack of evil in some parts of the world that they create their own brand of evil-thinly disguised as God-fearing goodness.
I used to hope the humans would just blow themselves off the planet, but now I know that they would take too many nut-bearing trees with them


Dear Grumpy,
Will I ever find true love?

From: Mary
Of: Ohio, US

Dear Mary,
Yes and no.
You will certainly think so at the time.
But I hope you will also think of what I'm about to tell you when that fateful day falls upon your innocent world.
Love is nothing more than a temporary chemical imbalance. And like most transient illnesses like the flue or dysentery, it will pass. When you're experiencing it, you think you'll never be the same again. And it is at this time that you must refrain from making any life altering decisions.
For instance, say you came down with a terrible case of the flu. You were spending so much time on the toilet that you simply decided to have a toilet put right next to your bed.
Then one day you are over it. There is nothing left of the flu but a bad memory and a commode right next to your bed. You used all of your resources to obtain the toilet and now you are broke and can't afford to have it removed.
Think about it.


Dear Grumpy,
There is a squirrel living in my back yard. When I go to work, I think he comes into my house and plants spy devices for the Government.
What should I do?

From: Paranoid with good cause
Of: Can't say

Dear Paranoid,
That's one of the silliest things I've ever heard. A squirrel working for the Government…No way!
He probably IS planting the devices for personal reasons, though.
Since most squirrels don't have room for a TV in their tree, he probably sits around in the evening entertaining himself by listening to you talk to your Mom on the phone. He probably knows about all your delusions of grandeur and secret illnesses that you share with the only person you thought cared.

Dear Grumpy,
Where have you been?

From: E
Of: N.M. US

Dear E,
As most have already guessed, I've been in peanut rehab again. But this time, it was different. Whenever I go into rehab, I am usually at my lowest point. My self-esteem has dwindled to zilch and all of my friends and family have deserted me. Then my insurance runs out and I'm sent back into the real world too soon, teetering on the edge of giving in to my addiction because I lack self-respect.
Now, as I said earlier, this time was different. I was in rehab with none other than Rush Limbaugh! Just listening to him monopolize the group sessions with his boorish rhetoric, day after day, made me realize how lucky I am. I am just an old squirrel with a lust for peanuts. That is my only real problem in life. But that Rush; he is one nutty dude. It might have something to do with half his brain being tied behind his back for too long.
Anyway, just before he was released, I caught him going through my mail. He took a handful of letters and stuffed them in his pants. I was awash in pity for him and decided not to say anything. Obviously, he needed them more than me. So if any of you out there don't see your letter posted here, just tune in to Limbaugh's show and wait for it.


Dear Grumpy,
Do you stockpile Weapons of Mass destruction?

From: Ernie
Of: TX

Dear Ernie,
I used to. But I have forgotten so many of my hiding places.
It has become an exercise in futility for me to use my precious energy to collect something I can't eat immediately.


Dear Grumpy,
Did you send me a Birthday card this year? I didn't get it and am afraid it got lost in the mail.

Of: You know

Dear Brenda,
Since you were a wee girl, you have received a card from me on each of your Birthdays. Not only a card but also a monetary gift. Having no children of my own, I was happy to make your day as special as possible.
I never knew if you got the card or no because not one time have you ever sent me a thank you note or otherwise acknowledged receiving it.
So in answer to your question: Hell No, I didn't send you a Birthday card this year! Frankly, it's time you learned some manners.
I took the money I had set aside for you and bought myself a big bag of mixed nuts, then sat up eating them as late as I wanted, watching animal planet.


Dear Grumpy,
When will the Messiah come?

From: Gooney
Of: IL, US

Dear Gooney,
Does it look like humans are ready for the Messiah?
They have had all this time to fill the world with goodwill and make a wonderful homecoming for him. But instead, they've been unable to give up their thieving, murdering and oppressive ways. Some groups think they can make things ready for him by killing off their neighbors. Others seem to think they can reel him in by collecting large sums of money from other believers.
Do you really think the Messiah wants to come home to a world bullied by a faux-Christian Empire or a bunch of power hungry spin doctors who themselves horde WMDs?
Think of all the misery that has fallen on mankind in his name-and in his absence. If I were he, I would stay where I am, as far away from humans as possible.


You are nut number

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