ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once in awhile.



April/May 2004 Letters









Hi Grumpy,
What is your take on Bush tightening sanctions on Cuba?
is this justified, or is he just "nuts?"
From: Cuban in California

Dear C-n-C,
The following quote pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?
"The United States has absolutely no right to define the how, what or when, or the pace and timing of the democratic transition in Cuba," Manuel Cuesta Morúa.

But with all things, there is an underlying agenda here that is more difficult to identify.


As you may know, a recent discovery in Cuba has set Mr. Bush off on a new tangent. I am referring to an animal thought to be extinct. A living Almiqui in excellent health, going by the name of "Alejandrito."
The creature looks like a brownish woolly badger with a long, pink-tipped snout and can measure up to about 19 inches.

The problem, you ask? Alejandrito eats insects.

Grumpy


Dera Grumpy,
Why do you and your friends steal my newly planted bulbs and to boot, in full view, sit on my fence, peel them like an onion and eat the most delectable part, leaving me to clear up the scale leaves and sob over the loss of my beautiful potential garden? And all the while you give me cheeky looks and twitch your tails as a rude sign!
From: Irritatingly,
Irritated bulb planter in Scotland

Dear Irritated,
You know we are there, waiting for your precious bulbs, you know we can't resist them, you know we don't care what you think of us and you know we are rude. Yet you complain when we do what you expect us to do every year.
Either you enjoy being part of this little production every Spring, allowing you 15 minutes of fame annually…or…
I can't say it, please see the quote below;
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"
-Albert Einstein

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Will small impish people invade north Mongolia?
From: Nebulum 3
Of: Tasmania

Dear Nebby,
Uh, well yes, as far as I know.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
How do squirrels eat pie? And how can I make money off of it?
From: Cows
OF: Moomooland

Dear Cows,
We eat pie just as humans do; like gluttons.
But why, why does it always have to involve making money? If you were to quit your job and start making pies for the neighborhood squirrels, especially Pecan pies, you would be rich in friends-overnight! In some circles, there is no loftier goal.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Do you know of any fan clubs for the math nut?? I just love rodents.... I look just like 1!
From: Loubi Lou
Of: Liverpool

Dear Loubi,
I did find a fan club in this category on the web. But I was afraid to look: It's XXX rated.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I just want you to know; I think you are the most wonderful squirrel in the world.
I have 9 squirrel babies in rehab (not peanut) at the moment and they all want to grow up and be just like you !!!!!!!!!
From Critter
Of: Where ever I am at the time

Dear Critter,
Do they make straightjackets that tiny?

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I split with my girlfriend. I love her very much! Will she come back to me?
From: G
Of: Cambridge

Dear G,
I am confused; you say YOU split with her and yet you love her? Do you want someone who comes groveling back after she's been rejected? Do you just want to instill some false sense of peanuts-for-brains macho persona of yourself?
But more importantly, I hope she's reading this: Get the H*** away from this loser as fast as you can!

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
Well, sometimes I have fun and feel content and happy- other times I get very low. I realize this is normal, but what isn't is the speed of the transition- any advice Grumpy One?
From: pointy eared-pokey-up-hared skeek
Of: Auckland- new Zealand

Dear Pointy,
Oh the joys of youth! When you get to be my age, dear boy, those manic-depressive changes become so smooth that you will hardly even notice. Which was a sad thing for me because I always enjoyed the rush of those first few seconds in either climate.

Grumpy


Hi Grumpy!
I've had a man made wooden den built for a squirrel family which I hope to secure to a pine tree in the yard. The den has a thin slot in the bottom for drainage. I was just wondering whether squirrels clean their dens on their own from time to time. Hannah
From: Hannah
OF: Virginia

Dear Hannah,
First of all, I would like to thank you on behalf of my brethren for making a tree condo for some lucky squirrel family.
As for housecleaning, just watch for things being thrown out of the den once in awhile. When you have a nice collection of empty cereal boxes, peanut butter jars, beer bottles, etc. accumulated at the base of the tree, it is acceptable to haul it to the dump. Thank you.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
What IS the meaning of life??
From: No Tail
Of: Scotland

Dear NT,
That's an easy. Sex, nuts and Bagpipe music.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I was in the park today, minding my own business. I saw a squirrel I had met previously, so I said 'Hi skwerl' and suddenly he got carried off by pigeons.. I don't know what to do because I don't know where they took him, what should I do?
From: Megan
Of: England

Dear Megan,
So those pesky pigeons are practicing squirrel napping, eh?
Don't worry about your friend; Pigeons never resort to the kind of torture techniques used by civilized humans. Instead, they will house him on top of a business somewhere in the heart of the city, providing for his every whim in the hopes of seducing him into divulging world-domination secrets.
It's a sad thing really, because the squirrel can tell them anything they want to know and it won't help them. You see, squirrels have the largest brain per body size of any mammal-even humans. This is why they are so successful in everything they attempt.
But the poor pigeon, need I point it out? They have those unhelpful little bird-brains.

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,
I really like someone but they have a boyfriend! Should I kill him and pick her up on the rebound?
From: Stuff
Of: A tree

Dear stuff,
Let me save you a trip to the big house, it won't work. If her boyfriend dies while she thinks that she is in love with him, there will be no rebound. He will forever remain her handsome and young true love. As you age, grow plump, impotent and lose your hair, this will become even more apparent to both of you.
It would be safer if you dressed up like a woman and seduced him while one of your accomplices snapped pictures. I can't swear that she will then take up with you, but she will more or less hate that boyfriend.

Grumpy




You are nut number





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