what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once in awhile.

June/July/August 2004 Letters

Dear Grumpy,
Will you marry me?

From: Lynndie Of: Colorado

Dear Lynndie,
Sorry, but I wouldn't look good on a leash.

Late August and September were rough on our neighborhood. With the loss of trees during the hurricanes, early shaking of pinecones (winter sustenance) and family losses (babies lost) - empathy abounds for our own grumpy rodents.

After 3 days of tossing peanuts out -
the grumps are outside RAISING hell.
Sitting on the electrical lines outside
squealing for hours. What IS their problem?
Bellyaches, territorial battle or just plain lust?

From: Windy Frances
Of: Florida

Dear Frances
It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
And you throw them peanuts…

If you really want to help, offer pecans. This will erase all of their bad memories in 30 seconds flat.


Dear Grumpy,
Why am I a squirrel though I look nothing like one?

From: squirrel
Of: Leicester

Dear Squirrel,
Even Buddha didn't become enlightened overnight.
It takes time to grow into something wonderful. Another example would be a peach. It simply can't be rushed. It must ripen over time. Of course, it was always a peach, but no one will pay it any mind until it has become delicious.
Now there is the possibility that when you finally do ripen, you will not be a squirrel at all. You may find that it was all just wishful thinking on your part and you must prepare for that disappointment.
So just chill out while you're growing into your destiny.


WHy do you plan to take over the world? YOu will never succeed, it is a waste of your time. I am killing off all of your evil squirrel friends. Rabies and I are killing you all. Who knows. You might Be Next.

From: Raven
Of: The Asylum Down the Corner

Well Raven,
You are more likely to get rabies than me because squirrels RARELY ever get rabies-so maybe it is you who will be next.
And taking over this world? You've got to be kidding.
Don't you know the Neocons planted that seed to distract your feeble little mind from what they are really up to?
Oh, we'll be around to pick up the pieces after you and your kind have annihilated yourselves.
We're very patient. .


Hi Grumpy,
I had an uncle build a nest home for squirrels. It is well built following a diagram I found in the web. I was just wondering how would squirrels keep it clean and then found there are boxes built with a litter which you are suppose to clean every summer. I would just like to have a better idea of how select a good design before building some box homes for squirrels. How will they keep clean and help them through winter, rain, snow, keeping cold air away. Also, I want to thank you for answering a few months ago a question I made through this link. Best wishes, Ana From: Ana
Of: Virginia

Dear Ana,
Have you been to the following website?
Squirrel nestbox plans
They have a great squirrel house plan with a mesh bottom and a hinged lid for easy cleaning. The mesh bottom allows for liquid drainage. A friend of mine, Reggie, says that the squirrels Like the wooden boxes best in the winter because they are too hot in the summer. So late spring might be a good time to clean them. Make sure it's safe to climb up and clean it out. It's better that you are safe than the squirrels have a clean house.
Good Luck! .


Dear Grumpy:
What does the statement - "You missed a belt loop." mean?

From: Escrew
Of: Gainesville, FL

Dear Escrew,
In Scouting, it means that you blew a chance at an award for some activity, such as archery. But in fat-world, it means that you never blew a chance at another pizza. .


Dear Grumpy,
I just want to make sure this part of the site is still up and running...
Uh, okay - What I REALLY want to know is if you've heard any new rumors concerning the whereabouts of Stockton Dupres?
I've noticed some suspicious characters in the area lately (mostly, in the trees...)!Hope the Revolution is alive and well!

From: Skwirly Redhead
Of: Indiana

Dear Redhead,
It's always about Stockton, isn't it?
You're a coy one all right. Don't think I didn't pick up on your flagrant use of the descriptive "Redhead" in your name. You know he's a sucker for them.
I would like to know what he has that I don't…oh, well, maybe I don't really want to know.
Anyway, don't expect me to pass your email on to him. .


You are nut number

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