ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT


what do you want now?

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.



September 2001 Letters

Sparkin' Homosapiens Poodles Fighting
Poor Quality Clip-ons Boxers/briefs Pain Love Fantasy
Peanut butter stains The Nuts Why so grumpy?




Dear Grumpy,
I wuld like to git an inturview with
Connie Chung so as t'ask her
out on a sparkin' session.
Help?

From: Cletus
Of: The Mountins
Affiliation: Confederate (Liar)

Dear Cletus,
I would be doing you an injustice if I failed
to point out several things you should
know about Connie, right up front.
For one thing, she's married.
Do you realize how hard it is to find things
to keep a grown husband busy while
your sparkin' with his wife?
Even if you get past the husband,
there are other issues such as education.
Unlike you, Connie graduated from elementary school
and went on to Jr. High.
She can read, write and do fractions.
You understand of course, that if the two of
you linked up, the relationship
would be grossly unequal.
I don't think Ms. Chung would appreciate having
to carry the full load (if you know what I mean).

No, I think the only sparkin' you're likely to
experience are the ones she'll ignite when one
of her Barbie shoes makes contact with your noggin.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I'm discouraged & downhearted re:
the homosapien experience.
Is there any hope for them, or me?!?

From: As'a Panick Stricken (assapanick is Algonquin = squirrel)
Of: a drey of twigs and leaves
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Panick
Regardless of what humans believe themselves to be,
they are animals just like moi. And they continue to evolve
within the confines of their particular circumstances.
A lot of reproduction is necessary in order to evolve
into something noticeable.
But unlike squirrels, humans reproduce at a very slow pace.
Each female squirrel can pump out approximately
8 babies a year . . . And more!
While humans slave for 9 months to bring out even one
(one who will probably turn on them in 16 years).
What I'm trying to say is that humans evolve very slowly,
and therefore there is no hope really, not in your lifetime.
Sorry.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I am a Rottwieler in love with a Poodle.
Should I ask him out?? My mom says NO Poodles

From: Woofer-Snoodle
Of: Rhode Island
Affiliation:Confederate

Dear Woofer:
Why not?
As with most over-coifed males,
he will consider it his duty to
share himself with you.
And being taller than he is,
you are bound to be taken to the nicest places
so that he can show you off to his poo-buddies.
If you have nothing better to do with your life
than to be paraded around as his trophy-mate . . .go for it.
Mom will never accept anything less than pedigreed grandchildren,
and frankly, neither will society as a whole.
If you don't adhere to early family planning methods,
most of your children will end up unwanted and homeless,
dying alone at the end of a syringe in some dog pound.
But hey, it's your choice.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why do squirrels fight so much?
From: airgunnoisseur
Of: Fulton, Il
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear airgunnoisseur:
It is for the same reason that
the oppressed have always fought . . .
For trees, birdfeeders and the pursuit of nuts!

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
i have bushytail envy,
i use a clip on,
but whenever i use it people notice.
what can i do??

From: Squirrels
Of: Canada
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Suirrels,
When you say that people notice,
you must mean that they notice that
the prosthetic device you wear
(fake squirrel tail) is indeed fake.
All I can say is 'you get what you pay for.'
If you ordered that thing from the back of a
hunting magazine for $20.00, of course it looks fake.
If you just can't afford a better clip-on,
at least wear a long T-shirt so that the point
of attachment is covered. It is perfectly okay
for squirrels to wear shirts as long as
they are naked from the waist down.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Acorns or walnuts? Boxers or briefs?
From: Rie
Of: Chicago
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Rie,
Trust me when I say that it really doesn't matter.
We will climb a mile for either a walnut or an acorn.
And we wouldn't dream of covering our precious jewels
with either of the standard issue.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I'm a large, well-endowed squirrel, Grump.
Needless to say, it hurts climbing trees.
Small price?
From: Rusty, the Sciurus niger
Of: Land O' Large Nuts
Affiliation:Confederate

Dear Rusty,
Small price, indeed!
Do you really think the ladies don't see
the grimace on your face as you try to
dodge dangerous, razor sharp edges of bark as you climb?
Do you think they don't hear the subtle gasps
and whimpers that you emit subconsciously
while trying to be brave?
Don't be ridiculous!
What you need is a skid plate.
As I have suffered the same ailment my whole life,
I have come up with a secret technique that I will share with you.
As we all know, lady squirrels admire
a man who helps around the house.
So, whenever you climb, whether it is to
your own pad or someone else's, you carry a big leaf.
It will act as a barrier between the bark
and your vulnerabilities if you discretely let
it drag between your legs. When you leave a nest,
simply offer to take an old leaf with you,
something like taking out the trash.
Same idea of protection.
This is harder to do in winter with the
scarcity of leaves so you will have to be creative.
Raid dumpsters for rags and cardboard.
It will get you through till spring.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
What did Lilith whisper to the serpent, Grump?
And what to do, now that I know Stock is in love?

From: Molly
Of: Her Mother's Womb
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Molly,
Only Lilith and the serpent know what
she whispered and I wouldn't want to guess.
About Mr. Dupres' love life:
Now that you know that his heart belongs to another,
consider it your lucky day!
You are no longer part of the fantasy
that is romantic love.
Now, you can actually do something productive
with your life and have the uninterrupted energy
to pursue it to the fullest.
Most don't get the opportunity that you have until
they have given their best years to some nut-grubbing,
self absorbed tree climber who decides to run off
with her retired peanut distributor, leaving you alone
to clean up the hulls. . . uh, I'm sorry,
what was the question?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Do you come from space too??
And how the heck do I get peanut butter stains out???

From: Girl
Of: Rhode Island
Affiliation: No Clue

Dear Girl,
Actually, I think I am from space.
Is that a problem for you?
At least I know who several of my
possible fathers are. Ptthhh!
As for peanut butter stains,
why would anyone want to remove
such an exciting memory?


"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
When are the hickory nuts coming back to our hunting woods?
From: Ardillero
Of: Fulton, Il
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Ardillero,
Clearly, the excitement of the fall harvest is building.
It has reached peak frequency in some squirrel circles.
I would start checking the first and
second weeks of October.
But watch out for the squirrel hunters.
They know we're coming!

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
why are you such a grumpy, mean, evil, terrible, awful, mean, grumpy, squirrell?
From: Why tell you?
Of: Jamaica, Mon
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Why,
We are all born innocent and in need
of nothing more than love.
We don't know about fine cars and big homes,
designer clothes or expensive athletic shoes.
And cradled against our mother's warm body,
we have no idea that there is prejudice and
social, political injustice just waiting
to molest us one day simply because we are different.

I was an innocent baby once, just like you.
What happened?
The first day I wandered away from my Mother's nest,
I met the world, head on - That is all.

"Grumpy"

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